when you've hit rock bottom and the only way out is to go up

i'm surprised as to how i got here.
one month ago, all was right in the universe. i remember feeling so content and the thought that this was exactly what i want it to be. and yesterday, everything that i once believed in disappeared.

falling from cloud nine with a huge bump on my head, i'm wondering what exactly happened. i'm doing so much to pint point the exact situations, words and events that led to this explosion but the more i go through it, the more i become mentally exhausted. i've come to a point where i just won't try anymore and if people misunderstand my actions, then so be it because there's nothing i can do to change their perceptions of me.

i've spent so much of my early adult life perfecting the image of who i wanted to be: a responsible, strong, independent, emphatic, "possibly beautiful" woman. but at the very core, i am none of those. i am irresponsible, weak, dependent and selfish and maybe, just maybe, i'm gonna acknowledge that. and i'm gonna acknowledge that my porcelain image has caused hurt to other people simply because i wasn't true to who i was because i was so busy trying to be who i wanted to be.

okehh that sounded pretty deep but fuck it lah, i'm naturally a dark and deep person, so i'm just gonna own that. as i slowly transition to from "the woman i want to be" to "the woman i really am", i know that i'm gonna be losing friends or key people in my life merely because they are used to the image that i have crafted for myself. and you know what? it's okay. it's not their fault.

i'm done with pretenses. i'm done with saying "i'm okay" and "i'm fine" when i'm clearly none of those at this point of time. it's gonna take a long while for me to be okay with truly expressing how i feel (because most of the time, i'm an expert in denial and reaction formation - hmm...Freud would be one rich man if he was my therapist lol). but i have to and i owe it to myself to be honest with myself.

so, in light of recent events, i have made some decisions. i actually made those decisions while i was watching Avengers Infinity War because i couldn't concentrate throughout the movie and also because wow, Scarlet Witch should have more screen time just sayin'.
aaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, here's what i have committed myself to do:


#1: i'm withdrawing myself from my studies 
ok lah, just this semester. i think the number one stressor in my life has been the act of juggling my studies and my full-time agency job. i thought i could do it because i scored straight As in my first semester which also happened to be my first three months at work but hahahaha looks like i couldn't keep that up. so, the very first thing i'm gonna do is withdraw from this semester. i don't know if this might affect my overall view towards my studies but this is exactly what i need to do now.


#2: goodbye, gin & tonic
i'm abstaining from alcohol until further notice. binge-drinking has affected the one friendship that i was so determined to keep and that really broke me (and the other person) because it opened my eyes to the person i become when i'm intoxicated and that whole situation was not fair for the other person. AT ALL. i regret the drinks i had last week and i regret the events that followed after. it is never fair to the other person when they have to take care of you while you're puking and saying things you don't mean. i need to start realizing the impact that my words have on people and if this means that i'm gonna say no to alcohol and start thinking critically before i speak, then so be it. i'm so done with binge-drinking and drinking in general. this will affect my social life because well, who doesn't love a gin & tonic, but at this point of time, it's gonna be green juices, smoothies, matcha latte and lots of H20 for me.


#3: deal with my emotional baggage
i'm done running away. i definitely have forgiven the people who caused certain events in my life that led to me carrying these baggages but it's time for me to stop running away from the past. i acknowledge that i carry a suitcase filled with early experiences of abandonment and rejection - these two main players - and i'm not gonna be afraid of these scars anymore. this will mean lots of "me time" where i'm gonna actively reflect and deal with it one by one. even if it means taking that scary step of speaking to the people who hurt me in the past. this has also led to cutting off social media from my time (except for my business accounts) just to withdraw and heal. i don't think i'm missing out on that much lah. unless of course, if Karlie Kloss comes to KL and i miss it then yes, i would really feel stupid lah :-P

#4: films, art, music and everything i love 
well, once i hand in my semester withdrawal form, i'm gonna have lots of free time in my hands (hell yeah!) which means i will do all the things i wanted to do, especially with immersing myself in the arts. i will never forget that one time at college during the symposium when my humanities lecturer selected me to present Raphael's "The School of Athens" during the exhibition and i was so fucking happy. LIKE OMG I COULD SHOOT THROUGH THE ROOF. hahahahahahaha. i remember explaining the fresco with so much enthusiasm and love for the painting, so much so that after the whole event was done, i was still reeling from the high of being so immersed in what i really love.

#5: reconnect with the people i love 
this past one year of extreme busyness has taken a toll on my relationships with people. as i begin the process of healing, i'm also gonna begin the process of being a better friend, sister, daughter and granddaughter. i always feel guilty that i sometimes forget to call my grandma and she has said repeatedly that she's my number one fan (LOL we both really love each other). my grandma doesn't have many years left and i don't want to deal with the regret that i had to deal when i lost my grandpa last year. same goes for my best friends. as we speak, i'm on the rocks with the one person who has been there for me in the last 8 years and yes, as much as i'm hurt and upset, i've thought and thought some more that this is a friend that i don't want to let go, so i will make amends once i'm ready. same goes for the friends that i've been putting on hold because i was too busy chasing my career and my masters. honestly, it is not worth it.

wow. it really does feel good to blog.
the relief that i'm feeling right now is just calming for my soul. i guess if there is one thing i cannot run away from is the fact that i'm a writer and that i will always be a writer. now with the free time i'm gonna have, i'm gonna start writing again.

if you're interested, click here, here and here for samples that i wrote for Esquire and Career Girl Daily. those were some of my best work and if i could, i'd do it all over again. being in digital marketing has killed my mojo for words because all that is in my mind now is KPIs, CTRs and CPCs but i'm determined to write again.

let the rise of Charli Myers begin.