Wednesday, May 2, 2018

moving in the rhythm of grace

i almost broke down on the bus today.
in fact, there were many instances in the office today where i felt like the tears were gonna start streaming down my face but i took deep breaths, pulled myself together and continued on.

i've been going through a rough time lately. i thought that things would be better after returning from a wonderful holiday in Australia but no, i basically came back to a shit storm. i feel like i'm going through a season of brokenness - as the psalmist would say (cehh wahhh matt redman dah upgrade jadi psalmist) "when the music fades, all is stripped away".

- the old Social Media team is no longer the same
- many of our CiP groupies have left (or shifted to other agencies in the network)
- my boyfriend is no longer with me
- i have left the nest
- my college best friend is not speaking to me
- work is getting tougher
- don't even get me started about school
- i don't know where my life is heading

so as all these thoughts came rushing while i was on the bus on the way to school, i began asking myself: what is my purpose here on earth? if everything is gonna be stripped away, then what's the point? i guess it showed me that life is tangible and one day, all this will pass and just be a memory. as i felt overwhelmed with emotion, i felt the words of an age-old hymn planted in my heart: "amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me".

that's basically it. i'm a wretch and will always be a wretch. in these last four years, i have been very acquainted with my wretchedness. yet, i will say that i have not felt so broken in a long time. and you know what? perhaps i will acknowledge this season of brokenness and i will walk in this journey, fully acknowledging my vulnerability and letting God expose parts of my heart that i have kept tightly hidden.

i've decided to document this journey here in the following weeks (months, maybe?) as i go through this season alone. at least when i look back, i will never forget where i came from. it's gonna be scary to expose my heart on the internet but oh well, who the fuck cares these days?




despite going through this season of brokenness, i will not forget who i am. if there's one thing i take pride in, it's my very strong sense of self. i know the woman that i am and i have worked very hard in shaping my character. i will not falter, i will not resort to petty behavior. i will choose to empower and encourage the ones around me. i will not allow culture to define me.

to end this post on a positive note, i had resorted within myself that i was gonna get KFC alone after class and just allow myself to enjoy some fried chicken, cheesy wedges and fries. i honestly did not want to be alone but i knew that i had no choice but to just (wo)man up and be strong. after all, this is part of the single girl journey, right?

and at the right hour (just as class ended), i received a text from W asking how i was doing and then the magic words: "Girl I was just thinking of KFC. I suddenly got cravingss".

amazing. 
like, wow. 
talk about divine intervention!

i knew that i didn't wanna be alone tonight. i knew that i was too fragile to be by myself and it warmed my heart that W decided to accompany me after class. in the end, we grabbed McD (best ayam goreng ever; i finished my chicken, the fries AND the drink which is usually very out of character for me. i'm really suffering emotionally, okay?) and he just listened as i poured out my heart. it was so comforting to feel that i was being listened to and understood. W has been my friend for 6 years since college and tonight, we had such a fruitful conversation. i immediately felt a lift in my spirit and we hung out until midnight - just in time to wish him a happy birthday! 

so, as much as i think that i'm alone and that nobody loves me (lmao such melodrama), i guess there are a handful who do love me for me and i'm thankful for that. i really am. i really did not want to be alone tonight and just by a sheer miracle, i wasn't. 

it's 1.40am and as i'm typing this, i feel relieved. the road in this journey of brokenness is a very scary road and i'm prepared to navigate this alone. i'm strong. i can do this. 

i'll just move in the rhythm of sovereign grace. 

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