which then brought me to this realization: why am i so afraid? most of the time, i apologize because i'm always afraid of offending people even about situations where i was right and the other person was wrong.
a dear friend, who happened to be my previous senior manager, remarked to me before he left the company that if there's one thing i need to learn is to be confident. i took his advice to heart.
even if that meant that there will be times that i will fall flat on my face or if it meant that i risked looking like a fool in front of everyone. as long as i have tried and failed, at least i can get back up again, adjust my glasses and carry on with the new knowledge i gained from trying.
which also brought me to realize that i need to stop being shy and apologetic about things that make me feel alive. so here's what i'm not gonna be shy about in the next year:
#1: i set goals and i achieve them
i used to be so private about my goal setting habit because people around me used to remark that i was an overachiever or that i was kiasu. well, fuck them. i enjoy goal setting and i have an undying love of the journey towards reaching that goal. i can confidently say that i have achieved 80% of the goals that i've set over the course of my life and i'm not ashamed of it. i don't know why i was afraid to stick out like a sore thumb but if there's anything that achieving my goals have taught me about is that i can do anything i set my mind to do. and i won't be sorry about this anymore.
#2: i'm an early bird
yes, i'm part of the rare 5% of my generation that loves to wake up early. the only times when i wake up past 9am is when i'm hungover from partying all night or when i've pulled in a 50-hour workweek. i used to be so ashamed for being the odd one out in the group because it seemed to me that everyone just hated being alive before 7.30am. although i live 5 minutes away from office, i find myself waking up at 6.30am just because i wanna to chill or workout or just do whatever i want to do in the morning. call it upbringing or my natural body clock but i feel good when i wake up early. if there are two things i look forward to in the mornings, it is my healthy breakfast and my skincare routine.
#3: i can be candid
growing up, i've always felt the pressure to be a poster. maybe it's my personality type or early experiences of social rejection, but i always positioned myself as a reserved and proper individual who would never smoke a joint or would drop my jaw at four-letter words. growing up, i was never comfortable in my own skin. as i got to know the candid and silly person tucked deep inside all that apparent layers of fake lace (the girl with the silly jokes and the relatable nature), i began to truly express how i feel. beneath this somewhat clean exterior that i have spent years shaping, i realized that i'm happy when i'm in a state of organized chaos and that i'm okay being candid and imperfect. till this day, people still go wide-eyed whenever i do something that's out of the mask that i have put on all these years. but i honestly don't blame them because i put on that mask in the first place. this year, i've peeled off the mask bit by bit and omg, i have never felt so liberated!
#4: i'm cynical but romantic at heart
once upon a time, i was super cynical about relationships. throughout high school, i grew up on a steady diet of cynical fiction mixed with chic literature, so you can already guess that my view of the world was somewhat romantic yet laced with skepticism. then Josiah happened. i have honestly never loved a man so much that even till today when i look at him, i still get starry-eyed. yet, the reality of romantic relationships have showed me that those #feels are just not enough to carry a relationship. that there is so much effort that you need to put into a relationship in order to make it work. and if you can't put in that effort, perhaps it's better to just be alone. i have come out of coupled life laced with so much realism that i don't think i will be able to fall in love again. but at the same time, romanticism lights up my heart. i guess i will learn to be okay with being both a cynic and a romantic (someone slap Robert Lowell's poems across my face, please).
#5: i am constantly changing
if there's one thing i've noticed about myself is that i'm malleable, flexible and adaptable. not physically (or at least i'm still working on those mermaid poses and splits) but mentally. i am always enriched by ideas, concepts and experiments. i am always deriving new insights everyday and i seek to apply these to my personality and character as much as i can. in the last 2 years, i have changed so much. when i compare myself with myself 5 years ago, i'm shocked at the character evolution that has taken place. and i'm okay with changing. i'm okay with not being the same person i was last year. i am constantly looking at ways to improve myself . i am always moving and this is something that i will not apologize for anymore. i know that the people around me still view me the way they did when they first met me but when i really think about it, that's not my problem. i will constantly change and move and grow. that's just who i am.
i'm excited for my 26th year. so many changes and transitions have happened over 2017 which has shaped me into being the person that i am today.
honestly, without the love and support of my family and my inner circle, i would not have made it this far.
