because i won't be shy anymore

so if you've known me for a while, i'm the type of person who apologizes constantly. i didn't realize this behavior until i joined my current company and my superiors (a bunch of them) pointed out that i don't have to be sorry for such silly things.

which then brought me to this realization: why am i so afraid? most of the time, i apologize because i'm always afraid of offending people even about situations where i was right and the other person was wrong.

a dear friend, who happened to be my previous senior manager, remarked to me before he left the company that if there's one thing i need to learn is to be confident. i took his advice to heart.

even if that meant that there will be times that i will fall flat on my face or if it meant that i risked looking like a fool in front of everyone. as long as i have tried and failed, at least i can get back up again, adjust my glasses and carry on with the new knowledge i gained from trying.


which also brought me to realize that i need to stop being shy and apologetic about things that make me feel alive. so here's what i'm not gonna be shy about in the next year:


#1: i set goals and i achieve them
i used to be so private about my goal setting habit because people around me used to remark that i was an overachiever or that i was kiasu. well, fuck them. i enjoy goal setting and i have an undying love of the journey towards reaching that goal. i can confidently say that i have achieved 80% of the goals that i've set over the course of my life and i'm not ashamed of it. i don't know why i was afraid to stick out like a sore thumb but if there's anything that achieving my goals have taught me about is that i can do anything i set my mind to do. and i won't be sorry about this anymore.



#2: i'm an early bird
yes, i'm part of the rare 5% of my generation that loves to wake up early. the only times when i wake up past 9am is when i'm hungover from partying all night or when i've pulled in a 50-hour workweek. i used to be so ashamed for being the odd one out in the group because it seemed to me that everyone just hated being alive before 7.30am. although i live 5 minutes away from office, i find myself waking up at 6.30am just because i wanna to chill or workout or just do whatever i want to do in the morning. call it upbringing or my natural body clock but i feel good when i wake up early. if there are two things i look forward to in the mornings, it is my healthy breakfast and my skincare routine.

#3: i can be candid
growing up, i've always felt the pressure to be a poster. maybe it's my personality type or early experiences of social rejection, but i always positioned myself as a reserved and proper individual who would never smoke a joint or would drop my jaw at four-letter words. growing up, i was never comfortable in my own skin. as i got to know the candid and silly person tucked deep inside all that apparent layers of fake lace (the girl with the silly jokes and the relatable nature), i began to truly express how i feel. beneath this somewhat clean exterior that i have spent years shaping, i realized that i'm happy when i'm in a state of organized chaos and that i'm okay being candid and imperfect. till this day, people still go wide-eyed whenever i do something that's out of the mask that i have put on all these years. but i honestly don't blame them because i put on that mask in the first place. this year, i've peeled off the mask bit by bit and omg, i have never felt so liberated!


#4: i'm cynical but romantic at heart
once upon a time, i was super cynical about relationships. throughout high school, i grew up on a steady diet of cynical fiction mixed with chic literature, so you can already guess that my view of the world was somewhat romantic yet laced with skepticism. then Josiah happened. i have honestly never loved a man so much that even till today when i look at him, i still get starry-eyed. yet, the reality of romantic relationships have showed me that those #feels are just not enough to carry a relationship. that there is so much effort that you need to put into a relationship in order to make it work. and if you can't put in that effort, perhaps it's better to just be alone. i have come out of coupled life laced with  so much realism that i don't think i will be able to fall in love again. but at the same time, romanticism lights up my heart. i guess i will learn to be okay with being both a cynic and a romantic (someone slap Robert Lowell's poems across my face, please).


#5: i am constantly changing
if there's one thing i've noticed about myself is that i'm malleable, flexible and adaptable. not physically (or at least i'm still working on those mermaid poses and splits) but mentally. i am always enriched by ideas, concepts and experiments. i am always deriving new insights everyday and i seek to apply these to my personality and character as much as i can. in the last 2 years, i have changed so much. when i compare myself with myself 5 years ago, i'm shocked at the character evolution that has taken place. and i'm okay with changing. i'm okay with not being the same person i was last year. i am constantly looking at ways to improve myself . i am always moving and this is something that i will not apologize for anymore. i know that the people around me still view me the way they did when they first met me but when i really think about it, that's not my problem. i will constantly change and move and grow. that's just who i am.

i'm excited for my 26th year. so many changes and transitions have happened over 2017 which has shaped me into being the person that i am today.

honestly, without the love and support of my family and my inner circle, i would not have made it this far.

smirking as i write this

i suhh-wear i was doing okay.

until that scene when Jane was bored on the dance floor (pardon my modern description despite this very old, Austenian nature of the setting) only to be surprised when Tom showed up. *cue all my feels and some tears*

it's been three months and i'm slowly dealing with the fact that 1) i'm gonna be falling asleep without a good night text - which is fine because i was starting to get bored of that and 2) i'm really alone.

like, wow.
i'm actually a single girl in Kuala Lumpur with this crazy job and a crazy study schedule while making time for family + after-work drinks + friendships and my receding social media presence. i honestly never saw this coming. i thought that i'd have a ring on my finger and be running around with wedding plans before tying the knot next year.

but no, in reality, i'm rolling my eyes at silly "client" requests and trying to understand the gist of Modernist Literature while desperately failing to do so. oh well, life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to, right?

i was scrolling through this blog and came across a line where i wrote that i'd "rather eat glass than go back to advertising" but...guess what i am doing now? LMAO. and then another line when i acknowledged (during a matcha latte conversation with my best friend) that i was ready to spend my whole, unadulterated life with him. DOUBLE LMAO (if that's such a thing).

ah, the sheer insanity that life bestows to youth who lack wisdom but possess the understanding of a mule!

it's tricky to readjust to a life that i once lived: where everything was just about friends, personal goals and moments of solitary solace (oohh...alliteration!). i had so much of an "us" mindset over the last few years that i forgot about what i really wanted. i sometimes struggle to know what i want but as of now, i'd like to be more independent that i already am and learn to let life take its course.

i'm tired of wanting everything to be perfect.
sure, i didn't make it into the women's lifestyle magazine industry and that's fine.
i didn't make it to walking down the aisle in my eggshell-nude vintage lace wedding dress ( i wasn't one of those who believed in a white dress, anyway) and that's fine.

so my next plan of action? trust the process and let go.

i bid thee, adieu

isn't it ironic how the things that we don't want to happen end up happening? i'm not sure if it's one of those "the-gods-may-throw-the-dice" situations but oh well, c'est la vie! (la vie!) *brownie points for whoever gets the joke*

so, let's address the elephant in the room.
no, not the one about me getting caught smoking and then having to say the sinner's prayer.

the one about me having come to a point in life where i am without a male companion.
some of you (okay, most of you) know that i've been in a relationship over the last 8 years. it was the best and worst experience of my life. it made me realize how much people trivialize matters like love and sex like as though it was something you could get off an app. but in actual fact, those are matters of the heart that require so much care, attention, respect and humility.

he was amazing. and he will always be. whether he believes it or not, i still think he is amazing like when the entire population of GoT fans go gaga over Kit Harington's bare, lean bottom on screen.

but that's the thing about relationships.
it's about two amazing people getting together to join forces and to take over everyone's social media feeds on every platform.
it's about two amazing people coming together only to realize that maybe they are not amazing as how they thought they were because traits like respect, love and patience don't just fall out of the sky. it's about two amazing people realizing how imperfect they are and despite that, they choose to keep their love together through thick and thin.

so then i ask myself, "if we broke up, does that mean we don't love each other?"
and again, i ask myself "if we broke up, does that mean that everything we believed in were all wasted?"

when the news of our separation hit the word-of-mouth channel, i noticed that there were two camps. the first camp was the "yeah, i guess this is for the best and this will help both of you grow" and then there was the other camp "oh please, you guys will so get back together because you can't stand being away from each other".

i guess the beauty about this is that people can say whatever the fuck they wanna say but at the end of the day, to quote the great Olive Penderghast, "it is nobody's goddamn business". 

i'm glad we survived 8 years together (which is more than the average non-married couple in kuala lumpur). i'm glad that we respect each other.

and lastly, i'm glad that there is so much that we don't know about relationships.

and to you, my dear, you can. you always could <3

okay, my life isn't exactly over

ehmagerd, i can be so melodramatic sometimes.

so i thought that i'd write a little update post, not that any of you are interested in my life but i just feel like writing about it so that i am aware of the updates in my life (ha!). here's what has happened between my last post and today:

i started school
decided to pursue my masters and settled on english literature. honestly, i'm surprised that i was even given a place seeing that my american degree was in psychology and i have no official background in english literature except for an SPM subject and one elective in college.

i became a regular contributor for Career Girl Daily! 
so stoked that i've been writing empowering articles for women - mostly on personal branding, lifestyle and health. i've always been a fan of CGD and for them to take me in as a contributor was just really amaaaazing. you can find my articles here and if you do like them, please share it on your social feeds (help a starving writer!).

i lost my grandfather
honestly, i've never felt grief in my twenty five years of existence and to suddenly lose my grandfather to cancer + heart attack was really a big blow. it was very hard for me and my family and till today, i get weird flashbacks at random moments which eventually leads to crying or trying not to cry. it's worse when i'm in his car (i inherited his car) and suddenly all the childhood memories come flashing back.

i got a job! 
so yeah, after that melodramatic blog post about my life being over (lmao), i did eventually get a job as a senior social media executive with the Dentsu Aegis Network. idk why but i seem to have been given challenging accounts but i'm learning and observing along the way. the office is lovely and so international, just like how i always imagined my working life to be. it's hectic because i'm also juggling my studies but i don't regret it. i have moments of emotional breakdowns but at least i don't go to work feeling like a loser

i'm moving out! 
and finally, i'm embracing the crucial leg of adulthood by moving out of my parents' house. i still can't believe that i'm doing this but i just had to do it. i love my parents but staying so far away from office and school was just taking a toll on me. i found a simple, basic room just 6 minutes away from office and 10 minutes away from school. i can't believe that i can actually sleep in a little, walk to work and finally do all these meal prepping, morning routine stuff that i didn't get to do.


that's pretty much of what i wanted to write about. i hope i will be able to churn out some content for this blog instead of constantly churning out content for clients + school but i do believe that this transition in life might inspire some creative juices (and more time!) to create content for this blog, my social media feeds and maybe continue writing for more magazines.


and now, i shall jump into my boyfriend's arms and enjoy the long weekend.
till then!

I didn't get the gig and now my life is officially over

so here's an update: i didn't get the job(s). oh and that classes begin on tuesday.

honestly, i was pretty crushed and when i received the dreaded email, i felt like a pool of limp fries waiting to be tossed in the trash. seriously, is it so fucking hard to achieve your dreams? i keep asking myself, "what have i not done?" or "maybe i'm not cut out to work for magazines". 

yeah, maybe the fact is that there are trillions of starving writers out there looking to get their bylines out and i'm just typically one of them. wow weee, what a way to feel like a unique individual *eye roll*

so i'm back to square one: what am i going to do with my life? i worked hard to do whatever i could to achieve this dream but it feels like all the doors are closing.
"but it's just two interviews!", you may say.

no, it's not just two interviews. i went for a bunch. nobody knows (except my boyfriend) the amount of applying for positions, dressing-up-for-interviews, pitch rejections, portfolio website tweaks, editor stalking, etc etc that i've done in the last 3 years.
oh whatever.

so really, what on earth am i going to do with my life? i'd rather eat glass than go into advertising but that might just be my last resort if nothing else opens up. i enjoy crafting things and styling but i have no such portfolio (and Instagram doesn't count). i don't see a future in PR or broadcasting or psychology or math or anything else. at this point, i'm stuck. i'm really stuck and i'm not sure which path to walk on.

sure, there's Career Girl Daily, but as of now, i need something that also pays. i've always wanted to be a voice in the women's fiction literary department but i'm scared. i'm scared to write that book. I'm not Jane Austen, Candace Bushnell or Ann Brashares. i'm not as gutsy as i used to be when i was 14 and so incredibly sure that I WAS GONNA MAKE IT (at that time). and yes, i do know that being scared won't get me anywhere but just let me be absolutely terrified for now.

and now, to feel that i did not make it, to actually look at my face in the mirror and admit that i did not make it, well it just sucks. my problem-solver instinct is already coming up with a 5-plan solution index and an alternative career, but for now, i just want to absorb this feeling of defeat.

that's okay, right?
whether that's okay or not, i will just let it slide. for now.

floating on

so apart from a recent existential drama that left me grasping for air, i've been okay.
"just okay?"
yeah, just okay.

my start to the year wasn't exactly spectacular. honestly, i imagined 2017 to be the year I would still be writing for a magazine but obviously, none of that came to fruition. okay, at least not yet. but of course, i cannot be hard on myself because i have been writing for a magazine on a freelance basis and also writing for an online publication. though i went in for some interviews, nothing seems to be happening. it's either i'm 1) not cut out for magazine life (although i was originally from this industry) or 2) maybe there's something else out there for me.

so, instead of being miserable (which i was for a few weeks), i decided that maybe i should try something else. honestly, i dont know what this 'something else' is but i'm sure that i'll discover it. i was always so sure that i was gonna end up in magazines (fashion/lifestyle magazines) and i've worked super hard to put my dreams out there but i think i have come to a point in life where i'm seriously missing out on so many things because i'm so fixated on ONE goal.

people keep reminding me that the publishing industry is dying in malaysia and that my view of magazines and publishing is very influenced by the U.S. (yeah, i admit) but i will just keep trying until there really isn't anything left.

am i wasting my time by trying so hard?
i don't think so. in the process of reaching my goals, i'm learning a lot about being organized, putting myself out there, time management, client servicing and whole other stuff i don't think i would be learning if i was just sitting around and waiting for something to happen.

so here's what i decided to focus on:

1. focus on my schoolwork and really immerse myself into my reading materials. write the outline of my dissertation proposal, dive into Fitzgerald, enjoy campus life.
2. if my current job prospects do not turn out, i will not freak out and die (although that was my initial plan). i will get a part time job and cover my expenses. if i'm lucky, i will save some money for a trip to Cambodia or something.
3. i will still do my best to reach my dreams. at least, i can start on that big project that i've been dreaming about since i was 16.
4. art, coding, baking, hiking, social media certification, music and all the other 1001 things i didn't get to do while i was hustling in the last 2 years.


of course, all these are subject to change should a meteorite fall from the sky but for now, i will just keep calm and do what i need to do.

2016 and it's lessons

one week into the new year and honestly, it's been a good kind of difficult. "difficult" in a sense that my grandpa has been in the hospital for colon cancer surgery, so there's a lot of running around to do. also, i have a dissertation proposal to write (because I have been accepted! *happy dance*) and other documentation to settle. let's not even talk about how i have not begun the job hunting process to fund my life while I'm studying. other than that, i had some fun times with friends and embarking on some of my personal projects, so all's good!


here's a recap of 2016 that i've been meaning to share:


#1: my year of traveling
i was ecstatic that i had been to three countries and three of which i didn't plan for. okay lah, three countries is nothing for some of you, but for a non-traveler person like me who had to wait to get a paycheck in order to travel, this is a big (no, a HUGE) deal for me.

In February, i YOLO-ed and went to Brisbane. in July, I was sent to Seoul for a business project with Amore Pacific and in September, I decided to meet my parents in Jakarta after their mission trip in the outskirts. the one thing that i'm thankful for (okay, two things): that i flew alone and handled the longer flights/customs/security well and also, the habit of saving up my cash. honestly, i wouldn't have been able to do all this had i not been saving up a portion of my income since the day i started working.


#2: making friends from all over the world 
i'm happy that i can now say that i have good friends from parts of the world that i never thought i would have friends from, like maldives, uganda, syria, indonesia and turkey. it's been an interesting journey, getting to know these people who are just geniuses in their fields. i think there's something beautiful that happens when there's an assimilation of different cultures working together, of course there are the good times and the bad times but with these awesome ones, it's been a fun journey of weathering the storm (of one person from the pits) together.


#3: shedding the concept of "feminism"
before the majority of people who decided to be feminists because it was trendy, i was one long before it became cool. i remember reading about it in school during one of those boring Moral classes and thought, "yeah, way to go, women!". the good thing about that was that i had cultivated an independent personality and i learned that empowering women was one way to change the world.

however, as the years went and people like Lena Dunham came along, i started questioning this concept. i didn't get how girls were calling themselves "feminists" but were clingy ass girlfriends who needed their boyfriend every single time and worse, treating them like a slave. i didn't get how girls called themselves "feminists" but had an A+ in throwing shade and being bitchy to other women instead of seeking to understand each other and being compassionate.

i didn't understand why women felt the need to walk around naked or burn their bras. instead of doing all that, why don't these women teach English  to girls who lack education in some parts of the world? why can't these women donate or volunteer with charities that focus on the welfare of abused/underprivileged women and girls? like really, you guys ruined feminism for me. after a while, i decided that no, I am not a feminist but i am a woman who empowers.

as i became serious with my boyfriend, i learned that it is okay to let the men take the lead and make some decisions. i learned that it is okay to have a career while caring for your family, but it is not okay to hate on men, it is not okay to put down women who have chosen different lives for themselves (like motherhood) and hell, it is not okay to elevate yourself as someone better than the rest. if you feel the need to do all that, then i suggest that you go back to junior high.

#4 going back to my asian roots
all my life, i wanted to be american. okay, at least to live in a white country. but now, i'm just like nahhhhhh. two things that opened my eyes to how silly i was to have such a thought: 1) kpop and 2) the U.S. Elections. i was one of those asians teenagers who grew up on a steady diet of american TV shows, american music and american talk shows. it was good. i like the humor, i loved the shows but i always felt that it wasn't something that i could fully relate to. once i had gotten into kpop (you can thank two of my colleagues for that), i began researching more and more about the asian culture, indian culture and realized that the under-representation of indians in the media is just...hardly anything. i began to love the concept of collectivism, the concept of filial piety and slowly grew disinterested to *some* western ideals. i think going back to my roots has made me less individualistic? idk, my mom needs to clarify this.


#5: realizing that i'm ready to spend my whole life with one person
i was grabbing coffee/matcha latte with my best friend one night and we were talking about relationships and such and she mentioned something like, "i think if i was single, i will be able to do more. is that how you feel too?".

To my utter shock and horror, my answer was no. I was even flabbergasted at myself as I uttered that word. In my mind, I was like, "Wow Carissa, you who once felt like you needed to achieve something, you who once felt like you were nothing if you were attached. YOU WHO ONCE THOUGHT THAT MARRIAGE WASN'T FOR YOU" 

but that's the thing: i have always been my own person. i have always been independent. i have achieved my writer's goals. i have traveled. i have accomplished 6/8 of the goals that i had set my mind to and right now, i wanna achieve the next 2/8 with the person who shares the same dreams and goals as me. i'm lucky to have found that one person who shares similar interests, similar personality traits, similar ways of doing things and similar core beliefs. i kept replaying that conversation in the cafe in my head to finally realize that yes, i am ready.
mann, that piece of humble pie was a huge slice for me.


i guess Kylie Jenner put it best when she said "I feel like this year is really about like, the year of just realizing stuff."
can't believe that I'm quoting the baby Kay but jyeahhh.
if there is one GIF to sum up how 2016 has been for me, it would be this: