I didn't get the gig and now my life is officially over

so here's an update: i didn't get the job(s). oh and that classes begin on tuesday.

honestly, i was pretty crushed and when i received the dreaded email, i felt like a pool of limp fries waiting to be tossed in the trash. seriously, is it so fucking hard to achieve your dreams? i keep asking myself, "what have i not done?" or "maybe i'm not cut out to work for magazines". 

yeah, maybe the fact is that there are trillions of starving writers out there looking to get their bylines out and i'm just typically one of them. wow weee, what a way to feel like a unique individual *eye roll*

so i'm back to square one: what am i going to do with my life? i worked hard to do whatever i could to achieve this dream but it feels like all the doors are closing.
"but it's just two interviews!", you may say.

no, it's not just two interviews. i went for a bunch. nobody knows (except my boyfriend) the amount of applying for positions, dressing-up-for-interviews, pitch rejections, portfolio website tweaks, editor stalking, etc etc that i've done in the last 3 years.
oh whatever.

so really, what on earth am i going to do with my life? i'd rather eat glass than go into advertising but that might just be my last resort if nothing else opens up. i enjoy crafting things and styling but i have no such portfolio (and Instagram doesn't count). i don't see a future in PR or broadcasting or psychology or math or anything else. at this point, i'm stuck. i'm really stuck and i'm not sure which path to walk on.

sure, there's Career Girl Daily, but as of now, i need something that also pays. i've always wanted to be a voice in the women's fiction literary department but i'm scared. i'm scared to write that book. I'm not Jane Austen, Candace Bushnell or Ann Brashares. i'm not as gutsy as i used to be when i was 14 and so incredibly sure that I WAS GONNA MAKE IT (at that time). and yes, i do know that being scared won't get me anywhere but just let me be absolutely terrified for now.

and now, to feel that i did not make it, to actually look at my face in the mirror and admit that i did not make it, well it just sucks. my problem-solver instinct is already coming up with a 5-plan solution index and an alternative career, but for now, i just want to absorb this feeling of defeat.

that's okay, right?
whether that's okay or not, i will just let it slide. for now.