floating on

so apart from a recent existential drama that left me grasping for air, i've been okay.
"just okay?"
yeah, just okay.

my start to the year wasn't exactly spectacular. honestly, i imagined 2017 to be the year I would still be writing for a magazine but obviously, none of that came to fruition. okay, at least not yet. but of course, i cannot be hard on myself because i have been writing for a magazine on a freelance basis and also writing for an online publication. though i went in for some interviews, nothing seems to be happening. it's either i'm 1) not cut out for magazine life (although i was originally from this industry) or 2) maybe there's something else out there for me.

so, instead of being miserable (which i was for a few weeks), i decided that maybe i should try something else. honestly, i dont know what this 'something else' is but i'm sure that i'll discover it. i was always so sure that i was gonna end up in magazines (fashion/lifestyle magazines) and i've worked super hard to put my dreams out there but i think i have come to a point in life where i'm seriously missing out on so many things because i'm so fixated on ONE goal.

people keep reminding me that the publishing industry is dying in malaysia and that my view of magazines and publishing is very influenced by the U.S. (yeah, i admit) but i will just keep trying until there really isn't anything left.

am i wasting my time by trying so hard?
i don't think so. in the process of reaching my goals, i'm learning a lot about being organized, putting myself out there, time management, client servicing and whole other stuff i don't think i would be learning if i was just sitting around and waiting for something to happen.

so here's what i decided to focus on:

1. focus on my schoolwork and really immerse myself into my reading materials. write the outline of my dissertation proposal, dive into Fitzgerald, enjoy campus life.
2. if my current job prospects do not turn out, i will not freak out and die (although that was my initial plan). i will get a part time job and cover my expenses. if i'm lucky, i will save some money for a trip to Cambodia or something.
3. i will still do my best to reach my dreams. at least, i can start on that big project that i've been dreaming about since i was 16.
4. art, coding, baking, hiking, social media certification, music and all the other 1001 things i didn't get to do while i was hustling in the last 2 years.


of course, all these are subject to change should a meteorite fall from the sky but for now, i will just keep calm and do what i need to do.