Saturday, May 12, 2018

this is it

you know what?
i'm relieved that people's idea of me has shattered.
from an optimistic point of view, this is exactly the moment i've been waiting for because i feel like i'm finally free of this prison that i've put myself in just because i was afraid of rejection.

i woke up this morning, wondering if there were more fig leaves for me to cover myself (if you're familiar with the biblical interpretation of Adam and Eve, you'll get what i mean) but then again, what's there for me to hide?

i'm at an uncertain and scary phase of my life because my heart feels like paper and at the same time, i feel like this an exciting time because my eyes will slowly be opened as to who will continue to be part of my life and who will reject me after they've realized that this girl tak boleh harap lah. it's like that notice that i used to see in shops: "nice to see, nice to touch, once broken, considered sold." most probably you're gonna throw that broken thing away right?

mhm hmm.
such is human nature.

which is good because i feel like i take in so much of people's bullshit because i still choose to believe the best about them and i am someone who always believed in grace and second chances. at the same time, not everyone shares my beliefs and i need to learn to be okay with that. i need to learn that not everyone is forgiving and that not everyone has the capacity for compassion.


i'm kinda excited to come out of the closet.
i'm also excited to embark on the things i have planned for myself once the semester break begins (i wasn't allowed to withdraw from the semester and my lecturers did all they could to keep me from withdrawing god bless them).
i'm excited to do a lot of deep diving.

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me."

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