rediscovery

old buildings and back alleys fascinate me.

i remember this one time when i was on-location for Time Out Penang, i had decided to walk to my next destination instead of taking the bus and i stumbled upon a quaint coffee shop on Stewart Lane. it was on the ground floor of a postcolonial shop lot and i noticed that there were a bunch of foreign backpackers huddled together and watching a foreign movie, coffee cups and cans of beer in hand.

and then i walked along the intersection that connected Stewart Lane to Love Lane, once known as the lane that housed underground brothels where rich Chinese merchants or British officials would take on "lovers" while off duty (hence, the term "Love Lane"). i remember running my fingers on the dilapidated pillars, skipping along the drain and just breathing in the scent of a past that was once lively but had now been forgotten.

the strip connecting armenian street 

i share the same feeling when i'm walking along Jalan Tun H.S. Lee and Jalan Sultan in KL, as well as Heeren Street (now known as Jalan Tun Tan Cheng Lok) in Malacca and Muntri Street in Georgetown. There's just something about beautiful, once-forgotten ruins that enrapture me. it's amazing when you're stuck in time while at the same time, you watch the present time continue on like how life does. i love hearing stories about the past, i love hearing about adventures and monumental events that have shaped a place (or a person).

maybe that's why i've always had a soft spot for art history, postcolonial architecture and old people. 

when i was living in bukit damansara, i used to jog along Jalan Beringin right up to Plaza Damansara where huckleberry/skullduggery are, and there was a really old, abandoned bungalow that i normally would casually jog past at night because it was too dark and i couldn't see it. 

But one Sunday morning, when i decided to go for a jog, it shocked me how beautiful, ancient and broken that bungalow was amidst the light. i noticed the green vines that graced the roman pillars, mirrors hung along the corridor and the swirl of the main staircase that connected three floors. it was an extremely eerie feeling but i couldn't help wondering who lived there, what was their story and how did this place came to be. it was only after i realized that i had been standing there for a good five minutes that i decided to carry on with my jog and ever since, i've never failed but to stop at that spot whenever i was jogging around the area. 

i've always loved exploring. being a curious cat by nature, there was always something in me that just wanted the thrill of exploring and learning about new places and people. my opportunity at Time Out Malaysia opened those doors for me and the lovely part about it was that i could write about it. i could express my thoughts in the way that i knew best. i lost so much of that spirit when i left that life for a new experience in digital marketing where everyday, i feel like my soul is being sucked out by demanding clients, the long hours, office politics and drama. 

maybe that's why i'm really excited for the semester break. i finally know what i'm going to do in the next three months. and while riding along my renewed spirit ever since the election, i hope that this new journey will be something beautiful. 

i'm just really excited.
and i think it's time to revive my old Nikon.

this is it

you know what?
i'm relieved that people's idea of me has shattered.
from an optimistic point of view, this is exactly the moment i've been waiting for because i feel like i'm finally free of this prison that i've put myself in just because i was afraid of rejection.

i woke up this morning, wondering if there were more fig leaves for me to cover myself (if you're familiar with the biblical interpretation of Adam and Eve, you'll get what i mean) but then again, what's there for me to hide?

i'm at an uncertain and scary phase of my life because my heart feels like paper and at the same time, i feel like this an exciting time because my eyes will slowly be opened as to who will continue to be part of my life and who will reject me after they've realized that this girl tak boleh harap lah. it's like that notice that i used to see in shops: "nice to see, nice to touch, once broken, considered sold." most probably you're gonna throw that broken thing away right?

mhm hmm.

such is human nature.

which is good because i feel like i take in so much of people's bullshit because i still choose to believe the best about them and i am someone who always believed in grace and second chances. at the same time, not everyone shares my beliefs and i need to learn to be okay with that. i need to learn that not everyone is forgiving and that not everyone has the capacity for compassion.


i'm kinda excited to come out of the closet.
i'm also excited to embark on the things i have planned for myself once the semester break begins (i wasn't allowed to withdraw from the semester and my lecturers did all they could to keep me from withdrawing god bless them).
i'm excited to do a lot of deep diving.

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me."

when you've hit rock bottom and the only way out is to go up

i'm surprised as to how i got here.
one month ago, all was right in the universe. i remember feeling so content and the thought that this was exactly what i want it to be. and yesterday, everything that i once believed in disappeared.

falling from cloud nine with a huge bump on my head, i'm wondering what exactly happened. i'm doing so much to pint point the exact situations, words and events that led to this explosion but the more i go through it, the more i become mentally exhausted. i've come to a point where i just won't try anymore and if people misunderstand my actions, then so be it because there's nothing i can do to change their perceptions of me.

i've spent so much of my early adult life perfecting the image of who i wanted to be: a responsible, strong, independent, emphatic, "possibly beautiful" woman. but at the very core, i am none of those. i am irresponsible, weak, dependent and selfish and maybe, just maybe, i'm gonna acknowledge that. and i'm gonna acknowledge that my porcelain image has caused hurt to other people simply because i wasn't true to who i was because i was so busy trying to be who i wanted to be.

okehh that sounded pretty deep but fuck it lah, i'm naturally a dark and deep person, so i'm just gonna own that. as i slowly transition to from "the woman i want to be" to "the woman i really am", i know that i'm gonna be losing friends or key people in my life merely because they are used to the image that i have crafted for myself. and you know what? it's okay. it's not their fault.

i'm done with pretenses. i'm done with saying "i'm okay" and "i'm fine" when i'm clearly none of those at this point of time. it's gonna take a long while for me to be okay with truly expressing how i feel (because most of the time, i'm an expert in denial and reaction formation - hmm...Freud would be one rich man if he was my therapist lol). but i have to and i owe it to myself to be honest with myself.

so, in light of recent events, i have made some decisions. i actually made those decisions while i was watching Avengers Infinity War because i couldn't concentrate throughout the movie and also because wow, Scarlet Witch should have more screen time just sayin'.
aaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, here's what i have committed myself to do:


#1: i'm withdrawing myself from my studies 
ok lah, just this semester. i think the number one stressor in my life has been the act of juggling my studies and my full-time agency job. i thought i could do it because i scored straight As in my first semester which also happened to be my first three months at work but hahahaha looks like i couldn't keep that up. so, the very first thing i'm gonna do is withdraw from this semester. i don't know if this might affect my overall view towards my studies but this is exactly what i need to do now.


#2: goodbye, gin & tonic
i'm abstaining from alcohol until further notice. binge-drinking has affected the one friendship that i was so determined to keep and that really broke me (and the other person) because it opened my eyes to the person i become when i'm intoxicated and that whole situation was not fair for the other person. AT ALL. i regret the drinks i had last week and i regret the events that followed after. it is never fair to the other person when they have to take care of you while you're puking and saying things you don't mean. i need to start realizing the impact that my words have on people and if this means that i'm gonna say no to alcohol and start thinking critically before i speak, then so be it. i'm so done with binge-drinking and drinking in general. this will affect my social life because well, who doesn't love a gin & tonic, but at this point of time, it's gonna be green juices, smoothies, matcha latte and lots of H20 for me.


#3: deal with my emotional baggage
i'm done running away. i definitely have forgiven the people who caused certain events in my life that led to me carrying these baggages but it's time for me to stop running away from the past. i acknowledge that i carry a suitcase filled with early experiences of abandonment and rejection - these two main players - and i'm not gonna be afraid of these scars anymore. this will mean lots of "me time" where i'm gonna actively reflect and deal with it one by one. even if it means taking that scary step of speaking to the people who hurt me in the past. this has also led to cutting off social media from my time (except for my business accounts) just to withdraw and heal. i don't think i'm missing out on that much lah. unless of course, if Karlie Kloss comes to KL and i miss it then yes, i would really feel stupid lah :-P

#4: films, art, music and everything i love 
well, once i hand in my semester withdrawal form, i'm gonna have lots of free time in my hands (hell yeah!) which means i will do all the things i wanted to do, especially with immersing myself in the arts. i will never forget that one time at college during the symposium when my humanities lecturer selected me to present Raphael's "The School of Athens" during the exhibition and i was so fucking happy. LIKE OMG I COULD SHOOT THROUGH THE ROOF. hahahahahahaha. i remember explaining the fresco with so much enthusiasm and love for the painting, so much so that after the whole event was done, i was still reeling from the high of being so immersed in what i really love.

#5: reconnect with the people i love 
this past one year of extreme busyness has taken a toll on my relationships with people. as i begin the process of healing, i'm also gonna begin the process of being a better friend, sister, daughter and granddaughter. i always feel guilty that i sometimes forget to call my grandma and she has said repeatedly that she's my number one fan (LOL we both really love each other). my grandma doesn't have many years left and i don't want to deal with the regret that i had to deal when i lost my grandpa last year. same goes for my best friends. as we speak, i'm on the rocks with the one person who has been there for me in the last 8 years and yes, as much as i'm hurt and upset, i've thought and thought some more that this is a friend that i don't want to let go, so i will make amends once i'm ready. same goes for the friends that i've been putting on hold because i was too busy chasing my career and my masters. honestly, it is not worth it.

wow. it really does feel good to blog.
the relief that i'm feeling right now is just calming for my soul. i guess if there is one thing i cannot run away from is the fact that i'm a writer and that i will always be a writer. now with the free time i'm gonna have, i'm gonna start writing again.

if you're interested, click here, here and here for samples that i wrote for Esquire and Career Girl Daily. those were some of my best work and if i could, i'd do it all over again. being in digital marketing has killed my mojo for words because all that is in my mind now is KPIs, CTRs and CPCs but i'm determined to write again.

let the rise of Charli Myers begin. 

moving in the rhythm of grace

i almost broke down on the bus today.
in fact, there were many instances in the office today where i felt like the tears were gonna start streaming down my face but i took deep breaths, pulled myself together and continued on.

i've been going through a rough time lately. i thought that things would be better after returning from a wonderful holiday in Australia but no, i basically came back to a shit storm. i feel like i'm going through a season of brokenness - as the psalmist would say (cehh wahhh matt redman dah upgrade jadi psalmist) "when the music fades, all is stripped away".

- the old Social Media team is no longer the same
- many of our CiP groupies have left (or shifted to other agencies in the network)
- my boyfriend is no longer with me
- i have left the nest
- my college best friend is not speaking to me
- work is getting tougher
- don't even get me started about school
- i don't know where my life is heading

so as all these thoughts came rushing while i was on the bus on the way to school, i began asking myself: what is my purpose here on earth? if everything is gonna be stripped away, then what's the point? i guess it showed me that life is tangible and one day, all this will pass and just be a memory. as i felt overwhelmed with emotion, i felt the words of an age-old hymn planted in my heart: "amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me".

that's basically it. i'm a wretch and will always be a wretch. in these last four years, i have been very acquainted with my wretchedness. yet, i will say that i have not felt so broken in a long time. and you know what? perhaps i will acknowledge this season of brokenness and i will walk in this journey, fully acknowledging my vulnerability and letting God expose parts of my heart that i have kept tightly hidden.

i've decided to document this journey here in the following weeks (months, maybe?) as i go through this season alone. at least when i look back, i will never forget where i came from. it's gonna be scary to expose my heart on the internet but oh well, who the fuck cares these days?

despite going through this season of brokenness, i will not forget who i am. if there's one thing i take pride in, it's my very strong sense of self. i know the woman that i am and i have worked very hard in shaping my character. i will not falter, i will not resort to petty behavior. i will choose to empower and encourage the ones around me. i will not allow culture to define me.

to end this post on a positive note, i had resorted within myself that i was gonna get KFC alone after class and just allow myself to enjoy some fried chicken, cheesy wedges and fries. i honestly did not want to be alone but i knew that i had no choice but to just (wo)man up and be strong. after all, this is part of the single girl journey, right?

and at the right hour (just as class ended), i received a text from W asking how i was doing and then the magic words: "Girl I was just thinking of KFC. I suddenly got cravingss".

amazing. 

like, wow. 

talk about divine intervention!

i knew that i didn't wanna be alone tonight. i knew that i was too fragile to be by myself and it warmed my heart that W decided to accompany me after class. in the end, we grabbed McD (best ayam goreng ever; i finished my chicken, the fries AND the drink which is usually very out of character for me. i'm really suffering emotionally, okay?) and he just listened as i poured out my heart. it was so comforting to feel that i was being listened to and understood. W has been my friend for 6 years since college and tonight, we had such a fruitful conversation. i immediately felt a lift in my spirit and we hung out until midnight - just in time to wish him a happy birthday! 

so, as much as i think that i'm alone and that nobody loves me (lmao such melodrama), i guess there are a handful who do love me for me and i'm thankful for that. i really am. i really did not want to be alone tonight and just by a sheer miracle, i wasn't. 

it's 1.40am and as i'm typing this, i feel relieved. the road in this journey of brokenness is a very scary road and i'm prepared to navigate this alone. i'm strong. i can do this. 

i'll just move in the rhythm of sovereign grace. 

because running away is good for you (once in a while)

hello from West End!
i'm currently chilling in my sister's room before i begin my journey to Coolongata Airport with an overweight cabin bag that's filled with food (lmao such a malaysian) and secretly hoping that i won't kena tangkap at security.

before embarking on this trip that i've been anticipating since my first trip in feb 2016, i was burnt out, jaded, angry and tired with life. honestly, that was the similar situation i found myself in two years ago when i dropped everything and hopped on the first flight to Australia. and as i expected, taking in the sight and sounds of brisbane city, south bank and sunshine coast was everything i needed to recharge.

this past week, i found myself detoxified physically, mentally, spiritually and socially. it was good to be away from work and from my life in KL. for once, my life back home didn't exist and that felt so good. but as the days passed, i knew that it was time to go home and begin again with the lessons i've learned this past week:


#1: when you treat your body like a temple, it will show on your countenance
everything i ate (ok lah, 95% of it) was healthy, unprocessed, green, fibrous and high-protein. i passed every opportunity for the usual sweet treats that i would normally reach for but instead, i dared myself to try new things like kombucha, golden latte, spelt, buckwheat, coconut-based froyo, raw/paleo wraps and greek salads. i indulged in organic coffee and fresh produce just coz i had the chance and i cannot even begin to talk about how energetic i felt every single day and it was amazing to see my skin clear up bit by bit (well, that was also thanks to my 5-step japanese wakame skincare routine that i haphazardly purchased before this trip). it was amazing to complete my 3km run across alexandra parada at sunshine coast without stopping (at 6.30am) and the energy i felt after was the kind i always craved back home. i did not even plan to be healthy, it just came naturally. it felt so good.


#consume mindfully 
this phrase kept popping up in my head everyday as i ate, listened to music and met new people. i think it's time for me to be more protective of my energy and the things/conversations that i consume on a daily basis. being an ambivert, i always found that i had the ability have the best of both worlds; i was able to be extroverted and outgoing and at the same time, enjoyed silence and recharging alone. yet, i lost sight of that back home as i found myself mindlessly consuming the company of people that drained me and did not allow myself to recharge from my very busy life. this also applied to social media, music, books and everything else i allowed myself to experience. it was good that this whole week allowed me to take a step back and assess everything.


#work is not my saviour
yes, this. exactly this. throughout the whole of last year, when i was tasked to handle two heavy accounts and a few smaller ones, i found myself having to adjust my working style and my personality just to be able to keep up with the million things i had to keep up with these accounts. it was honestly so fucking draining to be someone that's not me. while i learned a lot about myself - that i was agile, flexible, adaptable and capable - i also realized that i felt very very far away from who i was. i had to be organized, on-the-ball, receptive, detailed-oriented, structured which was totally opposite from my natural free spirited and easygoing nature that i used to be. till this day, i feel so bitter and upset thinking that i allowed myself to be someone i was starting to dislike. now i know that i should take it easy, remembering not to take things seriously and just rediscover a better working self that can incorporate my natural personality while making room for these new skills i had to develop in order to keep these heavy accounts from slipping. i am inspired to go back to office and twist perspectives and start saying no to things that are out of scope. i don't live for work and i'm sure as hell not gonna die for it.


#don't lose your soul
so for those of you who've known me longer, i've been quite a rebel with matters regarding the church. i came to a point where i was restless and disillusioned and i left the church, despite my dad being a minister and despite the gossip, the haters and losing friends at one point of my life. well, out of respect to my family, i followed them to church yesterday. while i found myself unable to sing such scary hymns (come on guys, how on earth do you sing lines like "take my will and make it Thine, it shall be no longer mine" knowing fully that you want your own selfish way and living in the Lord's will cannot be done without his sovereign grace?) but i will have to say that the sermon touched my heart. For those of you who need a dose of reality and perspective, you should read the book of Ecclesiastes and as I listened, i was reminded of the vanity of life and how all this will disappear one day. I was reminded that i should invest wisely and remember that everything is a gift from God. i always believed that God has given us everything, yet we own nothing - maybe that's why i stopped holding on to a lot of things.

i'm still very heathen, pagan, whatever you wanna call me but all i know is that i'm restless. i'm done with the externals and the loud music, the jumping up and down, the speaking in tongues for 5 hours, the holy huddle. give me the real thing - i wanna hear sermons that will cause me to critically access my life, i wanna hear real, raw stories, i wanna see authenticity which sadly, i cannot find in the Christian community anymore. OK lah, maybe just the urban KL community. until i have experienced true conversion of the heart that is fully the work of God's sovereign grace, i am not coming back. there, i said it.


walao i typed so much. heh.

honestly, i'm glad to go home. i'm thankful for this time to just be with family and to recharge. i'm thankful for new experiences and i'm thankful to have had this opportunity. i hope that i will never forget how i felt when i was walking across the bridge from King George Square to South Bank, the same thing i did in 2016 and last night. i hope i will never forget who i am and what i stand for.

because when i really evaluate the situation, i realize that i'm doing just fine

someone once told me that i should learn the rules like a pro so that i can break them. 

i can't remember who that someone is but all i know is that this someone plagiarized this concept from Pablo Picasso *insert laughing crying emoji*

at this point in my life, i am overworked, jaded and sucked dry. 

i have invested so much of myself into work and people and other things that should not consumer my energy and time that i've forgotten to water my own garden. 

i used to be so carefree and spontaneous. deep inside me, there was a free-spirited girl but as i learned the ropes of #adulting, i began to keep my fist tight. 

i had to shut that little girl inside me but now, i feel like it's all coming out. 

and you know what? i want her to come out. 

all my life, i've lived on the principles that i've built for myself and i think i have proven that i can do this. i used to think so poorly of myself but as i charter through life, i find that i'm actually doing okay. i don't mean to sound perasan but i think i'm doing a lot better and i should keep at it and stop telling myself that i'm not. in the words of warren-kwek-the-great, i need to stop being a reductionist. 

i've started saying no to things that i can't handle, especially at work.

i'm starting to allow myself to feel things again fully knowing that i will accept the repercussions that will occur when some decisions are made through #feels. 

basically, i'm starting to break the rules that i've set for myself.  

which has been the modus operandi of my life when i think about all the times i broke the very things i've built. lmao i see a pattern here. 

i'm happy to go off the grid when i fly off to Brisbane in 3 days and i think i'm gonna come back a different person (well, if i know myself, i would actually be the same but just a version of myself that has been me all along but was so held back). 

i might disappoint people, but that's fine. people have disappointed me so much but i'm still alive and breathing. i'm sure they will be too.

i might be seen as reckless but that's okay as long as i accept responsibility for the actions that stem from the reckless behavior. 

so actually raaaaaaiight, after i evaluate the whole thing, ekcelliii i think i'm doing just fine. 

i just need to cut myself some slack. 

just wanna be like my karlie kween 

now excuse me as i go back to listening to my preet playlist 

while enjoying a cup of instant seafood ramen. 

because the idea of someone is not the actual someone

some guys just like the idea of me. 

they go on and on about how i have my "own thing going on" and about how "ambitious and dedicated i am to my goals" and how "strong and independent" i am. some of them judge me by how they perceive me in situations (e.g. i'm talkative and friendly in the office and they expect me to be just that even when i'm off duty). 

and you know what's the funny part? 

the very same traits that they like about me are also the traits that they dislike the most. they say things like "why can't you spend sunday night with me? your goals can wait" or things like "you need to slow down and make time for me" or "you're not that busy, you're just making excuses". 

and the worse part? 

that one line that makes me roll my eyes till i can see my brain: 

"you're such a great catch". 

PLS LAH. bullshit. 

and that's exactly how they see me. just another ikan bawal in the sea. another ikan to parade to their friends. another ikan to use as a trophy. another ikan to boost their ego. 

the worse part is when they've had experience with crazy ex-girlfriends and they judge me to be the same because "all girls are crazy." amirite, @TheMeninist? yes, i agree that girls are crazy. when i hear my friends go through relationship drama and notice that a lot of times, it's the girl who acts all crazy and in my head, i feel sorry sometimes that girls can be oversensitive, demanding and emotional. 

am i saying that i don't possess those above mentioned traits? i do. i just know how to manage my emotions, which is something i have learned as a result of being in account management and being a single woman who has to constantly face her feelings every single day because there's no one listening. but why is it that when i'm dating someone, they assume the worst about me just because they've had bad experiences? 

this is exactly why i'd rather be alone. as i grow older, i find myself protecting my energy and time. i have no time to waste on people who choose to see me as an idea of what they like instead of seeing me as me. it is so fucking rare to find someone who sees me for me. 

in fact, i can only count of one hand the amount of people who truly take the time to get to know me and have remained open minded of how they perceive me and these people (you know who you are) are such gems in my life who remind me that i dont need a multitude of people to feel whole. 

it's so rare to find someone who loves the outgoing and friendly side of me and who enjoys the times when i'm silent and contemplative. it's so rare to find someone who truly goes the extra mile to seek to understand my perspective and how i feel before they can throw their assumptions on me. it's so rare to find people who truly communicate with me and to these very, very rare souls, i am so thankful for your presence in my life. it's even rare to find someone who shares the same guilty pleasures as me and does not judge me for my taste just as how i remain non-judgmental to people's preferences. 

ok lah i didn't expect this post to be all emo but i had to say what i had to say. 

and i feel relieved. 

girls, don't fall for pickup lines like "you're different" or "you're such a great catch". if you were a really great catch, then they would let their actions speak for themselves. they would listen to you, seek to understand you and treat you with respect. expect nothing less than respect. you deserve someone who would take the time to get to know you as a whole person and who won't judge you based on how you are in certain situations. at the same time, treat guys with respect. don't do that cold shoulder thing because it just belittles you as a human being. if you're upset, communicate. if you're lost, communicate. don't expect a guy to read your mind. he is not your punching bag just as how you aren't. have some self-respect. 

you can do better. you are better than this.

if he only likes the idea of you and does not take time to know you, leave. 

because i'm still heathen

four years ago, i made the biggest decision of my life: i renounced the church.
funny how i said "church" and not "Christ".

honestly, if you would put a gun to my head today and threatened me to renounce Him (ok lah, i stole this reference from one of those "end of the days" movies that churches used to play to scare their congregation), i would rather die than renounce Him. weird right?

"oh but Cessa, you've been living as a heathen. how lah like that?"

four years ago, i told God in the most drama queen way that i could conjure at the moment: that i wanna discover my depravity. "open my eyes and show me how sinful i am!", i screamed into the dark ceiling and continued to travail in so much anger that i never knew i had. this whole idea of human depravity was a foreign concept to me, having grown up in the church all my life and taking on roles like "pastor's kid", "elder's daughter", etc.

but i was determined. enough of singing lies in church. enough of youth groups where all we did was waste time. enough of this holy huddle bullshit. i wanted the real thing. i wanted the thirst that Jim and Elisabeth Elliot had (a.k.a. the kind that could kill you). i wanted to be a well-watered garden. i wanted to be "young, radical, and reformed".
sure, i did an amazing job in showcasing my perfect self because i had an image to maintain but deep down, beneath all that cob webs, was a messed up young adult.

so i embarked on a journey of what "normal" young people do. sure the highs of alcohol were so amazing but the morning after sucked. the euphoria that came with burning the equivalent of four mars bars in one night (heh!) did not compare to the emptiness i felt the morning after. i allowed myself to feel all the negatives that Christians were not supposed to feel. and hell yeah, i felt like a normal human being. i was finally acquainted with brokenness. i loved it but extremely hated the fact that there was more to life than all these temporary highs. the nothingness was real. the void was real.

but i cannot deny that my thirst is still there. my thirst for redemption and what the classic reformers would call "sanctification". till today, i still hold on to what my favorite missionary couple left behind when they passed away:

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose" - Jim Elliot.
"There is nothing worth living for unless it's worth dying for" - Elisabeth Elliot.

i still thirst for this yet my bigger self (the one that's preoccupied with depravity) so desperately wants to live the way i see fit. you know what's the weirdest part? a few years ago, i bought C.S. Lewis's "Surprised by Joy" and i've still not read it till this day. you know why? because i fear that it will change my life. i fear that it will force me to make decisions that will affect the rest of my life. i fear that i will lose control. aha! i guess that's the answer.

i still cannot. until the day comes when the scales from my eyes are removed (and only by His sovereignty and not because i said the sinner's prayer or because i spoke in tongues for 10 hours), i will still live life as i see fit.

may i live till the day i walk into the golden gates, only by grace and grace alone.

because i will do what i want

gone were the days when i used to feel so heavy with anxiety. i won't say that i don't worry at all but i think my anxiety has decreased by 60% in the last six months. it really feels good to know that at this point in my life, the person that i only have to think about when it comes to survival and the future is myself. 

i always thought that i was somewhat okay but apparently, people have recently remarked that i look "happier", "lighter and more "cheerful". so i started to wonder, was i not happy, light and cheerful prior to this recent transition in my life? 

i guess i know the answer. 

it's exciting and scary to know that my life is in my hands. 

i have so many things planned out for myself, adventures that i want to go on, milestones that i want to achieve and just being able to do what i want to do. someone once asked me, "what do you value the most?". i think, my answer is (and always has been) freedom. 

and when i say "freedom", i mean the kind of freedom that comes with consequences. what use is freedom if there are no repercussions, no lessons and no avenues for failure? 

i guess that's why, for the year 2018, i want to do what i want to do. i finally have the freedom that comes with being an adult. i finally have the freedom that comes with being a single woman and the only person that's gonna stop me is me. and i think, if i ever allow myself to stop myself (LOL), that will be the greatest tragedy of all. 

the other kind of freedom that i hope to achieve this year is the freedom to express. for so long, i made myself compartmentalize my emotions which only led to avoidance, which eventually leads to a day when the volcano erupts. and i know, as a psychology major and from experience, that this is not healthy. i know that i should address how i feel. i know that i should allow myself to feel but there are just instances when i feel like it's wrong to feel. but it's not. i have been a weakling all my life; i just gotta keep telling myself, "not today, Zurg!"

i want to go all out. i want to experience the full spectrum of being human, even if it means that there will be the possibility of failure. i don't want to be afraid. i want to be brave, i want to challenge myself. i want to maximize the time and strength that i have as a young adult. 

all my life, i've achieved the goals that i've set for myself. 

maybe this year, i don't want to achieve anything. perhaps all i want to do this year is to learn, to experience and to relish in the joy of just "being". 

because i won't be shy anymore

so if you've known me for a while, i'm the type of person who apologizes constantly. i didn't realize this behavior until i joined my current company and my superiors (a bunch of them) pointed out that i don't have to be sorry for such silly things.

which then brought me to this realization: why am i so afraid? most of the time, i apologize because i'm always afraid of offending people even about situations where i was right and the other person was wrong.

a dear friend, who happened to be my previous senior manager, remarked to me before he left the company that if there's one thing i need to learn is to be confident. i took his advice to heart.

even if that meant that there will be times that i will fall flat on my face or if it meant that i risked looking like a fool in front of everyone. as long as i have tried and failed, at least i can get back up again, adjust my glasses and carry on with the new knowledge i gained from trying.


which also brought me to realize that i need to stop being shy and apologetic about things that make me feel alive. so here's what i'm not gonna be shy about in the next year:


#1: i set goals and i achieve them
i used to be so private about my goal setting habit because people around me used to remark that i was an overachiever or that i was kiasu. well, fuck them. i enjoy goal setting and i have an undying love of the journey towards reaching that goal. i can confidently say that i have achieved 80% of the goals that i've set over the course of my life and i'm not ashamed of it. i don't know why i was afraid to stick out like a sore thumb but if there's anything that achieving my goals have taught me about is that i can do anything i set my mind to do. and i won't be sorry about this anymore.



#2: i'm an early bird
yes, i'm part of the rare 5% of my generation that loves to wake up early. the only times when i wake up past 9am is when i'm hungover from partying all night or when i've pulled in a 50-hour workweek. i used to be so ashamed for being the odd one out in the group because it seemed to me that everyone just hated being alive before 7.30am. although i live 5 minutes away from office, i find myself waking up at 6.30am just because i wanna to chill or workout or just do whatever i want to do in the morning. call it upbringing or my natural body clock but i feel good when i wake up early. if there are two things i look forward to in the mornings, it is my healthy breakfast and my skincare routine.

#3: i can be candid
growing up, i've always felt the pressure to be a poster. maybe it's my personality type or early experiences of social rejection, but i always positioned myself as a reserved and proper individual who would never smoke a joint or would drop my jaw at four-letter words. growing up, i was never comfortable in my own skin. as i got to know the candid and silly person tucked deep inside all that apparent layers of fake lace (the girl with the silly jokes and the relatable nature), i began to truly express how i feel. beneath this somewhat clean exterior that i have spent years shaping, i realized that i'm happy when i'm in a state of organized chaos and that i'm okay being candid and imperfect. till this day, people still go wide-eyed whenever i do something that's out of the mask that i have put on all these years. but i honestly don't blame them because i put on that mask in the first place. this year, i've peeled off the mask bit by bit and omg, i have never felt so liberated!


#4: i'm cynical but romantic at heart
once upon a time, i was super cynical about relationships. throughout high school, i grew up on a steady diet of cynical fiction mixed with chic literature, so you can already guess that my view of the world was somewhat romantic yet laced with skepticism. then Josiah happened. i have honestly never loved a man so much that even till today when i look at him, i still get starry-eyed. yet, the reality of romantic relationships have showed me that those #feels are just not enough to carry a relationship. that there is so much effort that you need to put into a relationship in order to make it work. and if you can't put in that effort, perhaps it's better to just be alone. i have come out of coupled life laced with  so much realism that i don't think i will be able to fall in love again. but at the same time, romanticism lights up my heart. i guess i will learn to be okay with being both a cynic and a romantic (someone slap Robert Lowell's poems across my face, please).


#5: i am constantly changing
if there's one thing i've noticed about myself is that i'm malleable, flexible and adaptable. not physically (or at least i'm still working on those mermaid poses and splits) but mentally. i am always enriched by ideas, concepts and experiments. i am always deriving new insights everyday and i seek to apply these to my personality and character as much as i can. in the last 2 years, i have changed so much. when i compare myself with myself 5 years ago, i'm shocked at the character evolution that has taken place. and i'm okay with changing. i'm okay with not being the same person i was last year. i am constantly looking at ways to improve myself . i am always moving and this is something that i will not apologize for anymore. i know that the people around me still view me the way they did when they first met me but when i really think about it, that's not my problem. i will constantly change and move and grow. that's just who i am.

i'm excited for my 26th year. so many changes and transitions have happened over 2017 which has shaped me into being the person that i am today.

honestly, without the love and support of my family and my inner circle, i would not have made it this far.

smirking as i write this

i suhh-wear i was doing okay.

until that scene when Jane was bored on the dance floor (pardon my modern description despite this very old, Austenian nature of the setting) only to be surprised when Tom showed up. *cue all my feels and some tears*

it's been three months and i'm slowly dealing with the fact that 1) i'm gonna be falling asleep without a good night text - which is fine because i was starting to get bored of that and 2) i'm really alone.

like, wow.
i'm actually a single girl in Kuala Lumpur with this crazy job and a crazy study schedule while making time for family + after-work drinks + friendships and my receding social media presence. i honestly never saw this coming. i thought that i'd have a ring on my finger and be running around with wedding plans before tying the knot next year.

but no, in reality, i'm rolling my eyes at silly "client" requests and trying to understand the gist of Modernist Literature while desperately failing to do so. oh well, life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to, right?

i was scrolling through this blog and came across a line where i wrote that i'd "rather eat glass than go back to advertising" but...guess what i am doing now? LMAO. and then another line when i acknowledged (during a matcha latte conversation with my best friend) that i was ready to spend my whole, unadulterated life with him. DOUBLE LMAO (if that's such a thing).

ah, the sheer insanity that life bestows to youth who lack wisdom but possess the understanding of a mule!

it's tricky to readjust to a life that i once lived: where everything was just about friends, personal goals and moments of solitary solace (oohh...alliteration!). i had so much of an "us" mindset over the last few years that i forgot about what i really wanted. i sometimes struggle to know what i want but as of now, i'd like to be more independent that i already am and learn to let life take its course.

i'm tired of wanting everything to be perfect.
sure, i didn't make it into the women's lifestyle magazine industry and that's fine.
i didn't make it to walking down the aisle in my eggshell-nude vintage lace wedding dress ( i wasn't one of those who believed in a white dress, anyway) and that's fine.

so my next plan of action? trust the process and let go.

i bid thee, adieu

isn't it ironic how the things that we don't want to happen end up happening? i'm not sure if it's one of those "the-gods-may-throw-the-dice" situations but oh well, c'est la vie! (la vie!) *brownie points for whoever gets the joke*

so, let's address the elephant in the room.
no, not the one about me getting caught smoking and then having to say the sinner's prayer.

the one about me having come to a point in life where i am without a male companion.
some of you (okay, most of you) know that i've been in a relationship over the last 8 years. it was the best and worst experience of my life. it made me realize how much people trivialize matters like love and sex like as though it was something you could get off an app. but in actual fact, those are matters of the heart that require so much care, attention, respect and humility.

he was amazing. and he will always be. whether he believes it or not, i still think he is amazing like when the entire population of GoT fans go gaga over Kit Harington's bare, lean bottom on screen.

but that's the thing about relationships.
it's about two amazing people getting together to join forces and to take over everyone's social media feeds on every platform.
it's about two amazing people coming together only to realize that maybe they are not amazing as how they thought they were because traits like respect, love and patience don't just fall out of the sky. it's about two amazing people realizing how imperfect they are and despite that, they choose to keep their love together through thick and thin.

so then i ask myself, "if we broke up, does that mean we don't love each other?"
and again, i ask myself "if we broke up, does that mean that everything we believed in were all wasted?"

when the news of our separation hit the word-of-mouth channel, i noticed that there were two camps. the first camp was the "yeah, i guess this is for the best and this will help both of you grow" and then there was the other camp "oh please, you guys will so get back together because you can't stand being away from each other".

i guess the beauty about this is that people can say whatever the fuck they wanna say but at the end of the day, to quote the great Olive Penderghast, "it is nobody's goddamn business". 

i'm glad we survived 8 years together (which is more than the average non-married couple in kuala lumpur). i'm glad that we respect each other.

and lastly, i'm glad that there is so much that we don't know about relationships.

and to you, my dear, you can. you always could <3

okay, my life isn't exactly over

ehmagerd, i can be so melodramatic sometimes.

so i thought that i'd write a little update post, not that any of you are interested in my life but i just feel like writing about it so that i am aware of the updates in my life (ha!). here's what has happened between my last post and today:

i started school
decided to pursue my masters and settled on english literature. honestly, i'm surprised that i was even given a place seeing that my american degree was in psychology and i have no official background in english literature except for an SPM subject and one elective in college.

i became a regular contributor for Career Girl Daily! 
so stoked that i've been writing empowering articles for women - mostly on personal branding, lifestyle and health. i've always been a fan of CGD and for them to take me in as a contributor was just really amaaaazing. you can find my articles here and if you do like them, please share it on your social feeds (help a starving writer!).

i lost my grandfather
honestly, i've never felt grief in my twenty five years of existence and to suddenly lose my grandfather to cancer + heart attack was really a big blow. it was very hard for me and my family and till today, i get weird flashbacks at random moments which eventually leads to crying or trying not to cry. it's worse when i'm in his car (i inherited his car) and suddenly all the childhood memories come flashing back.

i got a job! 
so yeah, after that melodramatic blog post about my life being over (lmao), i did eventually get a job as a senior social media executive with the Dentsu Aegis Network. idk why but i seem to have been given challenging accounts but i'm learning and observing along the way. the office is lovely and so international, just like how i always imagined my working life to be. it's hectic because i'm also juggling my studies but i don't regret it. i have moments of emotional breakdowns but at least i don't go to work feeling like a loser

i'm moving out! 
and finally, i'm embracing the crucial leg of adulthood by moving out of my parents' house. i still can't believe that i'm doing this but i just had to do it. i love my parents but staying so far away from office and school was just taking a toll on me. i found a simple, basic room just 6 minutes away from office and 10 minutes away from school. i can't believe that i can actually sleep in a little, walk to work and finally do all these meal prepping, morning routine stuff that i didn't get to do.


that's pretty much of what i wanted to write about. i hope i will be able to churn out some content for this blog instead of constantly churning out content for clients + school but i do believe that this transition in life might inspire some creative juices (and more time!) to create content for this blog, my social media feeds and maybe continue writing for more magazines.


and now, i shall jump into my boyfriend's arms and enjoy the long weekend.
till then!

I didn't get the gig and now my life is officially over

so here's an update: i didn't get the job(s). oh and that classes begin on tuesday.

honestly, i was pretty crushed and when i received the dreaded email, i felt like a pool of limp fries waiting to be tossed in the trash. seriously, is it so fucking hard to achieve your dreams? i keep asking myself, "what have i not done?" or "maybe i'm not cut out to work for magazines". 

yeah, maybe the fact is that there are trillions of starving writers out there looking to get their bylines out and i'm just typically one of them. wow weee, what a way to feel like a unique individual *eye roll*

so i'm back to square one: what am i going to do with my life? i worked hard to do whatever i could to achieve this dream but it feels like all the doors are closing.
"but it's just two interviews!", you may say.

no, it's not just two interviews. i went for a bunch. nobody knows (except my boyfriend) the amount of applying for positions, dressing-up-for-interviews, pitch rejections, portfolio website tweaks, editor stalking, etc etc that i've done in the last 3 years.
oh whatever.

so really, what on earth am i going to do with my life? i'd rather eat glass than go into advertising but that might just be my last resort if nothing else opens up. i enjoy crafting things and styling but i have no such portfolio (and Instagram doesn't count). i don't see a future in PR or broadcasting or psychology or math or anything else. at this point, i'm stuck. i'm really stuck and i'm not sure which path to walk on.

sure, there's Career Girl Daily, but as of now, i need something that also pays. i've always wanted to be a voice in the women's fiction literary department but i'm scared. i'm scared to write that book. I'm not Jane Austen, Candace Bushnell or Ann Brashares. i'm not as gutsy as i used to be when i was 14 and so incredibly sure that I WAS GONNA MAKE IT (at that time). and yes, i do know that being scared won't get me anywhere but just let me be absolutely terrified for now.

and now, to feel that i did not make it, to actually look at my face in the mirror and admit that i did not make it, well it just sucks. my problem-solver instinct is already coming up with a 5-plan solution index and an alternative career, but for now, i just want to absorb this feeling of defeat.

that's okay, right?
whether that's okay or not, i will just let it slide. for now.

floating on

so apart from a recent existential drama that left me grasping for air, i've been okay.
"just okay?"
yeah, just okay.

my start to the year wasn't exactly spectacular. honestly, i imagined 2017 to be the year I would still be writing for a magazine but obviously, none of that came to fruition. okay, at least not yet. but of course, i cannot be hard on myself because i have been writing for a magazine on a freelance basis and also writing for an online publication. though i went in for some interviews, nothing seems to be happening. it's either i'm 1) not cut out for magazine life (although i was originally from this industry) or 2) maybe there's something else out there for me.

so, instead of being miserable (which i was for a few weeks), i decided that maybe i should try something else. honestly, i dont know what this 'something else' is but i'm sure that i'll discover it. i was always so sure that i was gonna end up in magazines (fashion/lifestyle magazines) and i've worked super hard to put my dreams out there but i think i have come to a point in life where i'm seriously missing out on so many things because i'm so fixated on ONE goal.

people keep reminding me that the publishing industry is dying in malaysia and that my view of magazines and publishing is very influenced by the U.S. (yeah, i admit) but i will just keep trying until there really isn't anything left.

am i wasting my time by trying so hard?
i don't think so. in the process of reaching my goals, i'm learning a lot about being organized, putting myself out there, time management, client servicing and whole other stuff i don't think i would be learning if i was just sitting around and waiting for something to happen.

so here's what i decided to focus on:

1. focus on my schoolwork and really immerse myself into my reading materials. write the outline of my dissertation proposal, dive into Fitzgerald, enjoy campus life.
2. if my current job prospects do not turn out, i will not freak out and die (although that was my initial plan). i will get a part time job and cover my expenses. if i'm lucky, i will save some money for a trip to Cambodia or something.
3. i will still do my best to reach my dreams. at least, i can start on that big project that i've been dreaming about since i was 16.
4. art, coding, baking, hiking, social media certification, music and all the other 1001 things i didn't get to do while i was hustling in the last 2 years.


of course, all these are subject to change should a meteorite fall from the sky but for now, i will just keep calm and do what i need to do.

2016 and it's lessons

one week into the new year and honestly, it's been a good kind of difficult. "difficult" in a sense that my grandpa has been in the hospital for colon cancer surgery, so there's a lot of running around to do. also, i have a dissertation proposal to write (because I have been accepted! *happy dance*) and other documentation to settle. let's not even talk about how i have not begun the job hunting process to fund my life while I'm studying. other than that, i had some fun times with friends and embarking on some of my personal projects, so all's good!


here's a recap of 2016 that i've been meaning to share:


#1: my year of traveling
i was ecstatic that i had been to three countries and three of which i didn't plan for. okay lah, three countries is nothing for some of you, but for a non-traveler person like me who had to wait to get a paycheck in order to travel, this is a big (no, a HUGE) deal for me.

In February, i YOLO-ed and went to Brisbane. in July, I was sent to Seoul for a business project with Amore Pacific and in September, I decided to meet my parents in Jakarta after their mission trip in the outskirts. the one thing that i'm thankful for (okay, two things): that i flew alone and handled the longer flights/customs/security well and also, the habit of saving up my cash. honestly, i wouldn't have been able to do all this had i not been saving up a portion of my income since the day i started working.


#2: making friends from all over the world 
i'm happy that i can now say that i have good friends from parts of the world that i never thought i would have friends from, like maldives, uganda, syria, indonesia and turkey. it's been an interesting journey, getting to know these people who are just geniuses in their fields. i think there's something beautiful that happens when there's an assimilation of different cultures working together, of course there are the good times and the bad times but with these awesome ones, it's been a fun journey of weathering the storm (of one person from the pits) together.


#3: shedding the concept of "feminism"
before the majority of people who decided to be feminists because it was trendy, i was one long before it became cool. i remember reading about it in school during one of those boring Moral classes and thought, "yeah, way to go, women!". the good thing about that was that i had cultivated an independent personality and i learned that empowering women was one way to change the world.

however, as the years went and people like Lena Dunham came along, i started questioning this concept. i didn't get how girls were calling themselves "feminists" but were clingy ass girlfriends who needed their boyfriend every single time and worse, treating them like a slave. i didn't get how girls called themselves "feminists" but had an A+ in throwing shade and being bitchy to other women instead of seeking to understand each other and being compassionate.

i didn't understand why women felt the need to walk around naked or burn their bras. instead of doing all that, why don't these women teach English  to girls who lack education in some parts of the world? why can't these women donate or volunteer with charities that focus on the welfare of abused/underprivileged women and girls? like really, you guys ruined feminism for me. after a while, i decided that no, I am not a feminist but i am a woman who empowers.

as i became serious with my boyfriend, i learned that it is okay to let the men take the lead and make some decisions. i learned that it is okay to have a career while caring for your family, but it is not okay to hate on men, it is not okay to put down women who have chosen different lives for themselves (like motherhood) and hell, it is not okay to elevate yourself as someone better than the rest. if you feel the need to do all that, then i suggest that you go back to junior high.

#4 going back to my asian roots
all my life, i wanted to be american. okay, at least to live in a white country. but now, i'm just like nahhhhhh. two things that opened my eyes to how silly i was to have such a thought: 1) kpop and 2) the U.S. Elections. i was one of those asians teenagers who grew up on a steady diet of american TV shows, american music and american talk shows. it was good. i like the humor, i loved the shows but i always felt that it wasn't something that i could fully relate to. once i had gotten into kpop (you can thank two of my colleagues for that), i began researching more and more about the asian culture, indian culture and realized that the under-representation of indians in the media is just...hardly anything. i began to love the concept of collectivism, the concept of filial piety and slowly grew disinterested to *some* western ideals. i think going back to my roots has made me less individualistic? idk, my mom needs to clarify this.


#5: realizing that i'm ready to spend my whole life with one person
i was grabbing coffee/matcha latte with my best friend one night and we were talking about relationships and such and she mentioned something like, "i think if i was single, i will be able to do more. is that how you feel too?".

To my utter shock and horror, my answer was no. I was even flabbergasted at myself as I uttered that word. In my mind, I was like, "Wow Carissa, you who once felt like you needed to achieve something, you who once felt like you were nothing if you were attached. YOU WHO ONCE THOUGHT THAT MARRIAGE WASN'T FOR YOU" 

but that's the thing: i have always been my own person. i have always been independent. i have achieved my writer's goals. i have traveled. i have accomplished 6/8 of the goals that i had set my mind to and right now, i wanna achieve the next 2/8 with the person who shares the same dreams and goals as me. i'm lucky to have found that one person who shares similar interests, similar personality traits, similar ways of doing things and similar core beliefs. i kept replaying that conversation in the cafe in my head to finally realize that yes, i am ready.
mann, that piece of humble pie was a huge slice for me.


i guess Kylie Jenner put it best when she said "I feel like this year is really about like, the year of just realizing stuff."
can't believe that I'm quoting the baby Kay but jyeahhh.
if there is one GIF to sum up how 2016 has been for me, it would be this:

Forward and onward

You know what's more liberating than gorging on a piece of triple fudge chocolate cheesecake after a week of no-nonsense, clean eating, almost-dying dieting?
Answer: Forgiveness.


It's two more weeks to the New Year and with this free time that I have right now, I thought a lot about the things that used to plague me and I think I realized that it's time for me to take responsibility for the things I did. It's slowly dawning upon me that I'm turning 25 *inhale exhale* next year and that there are some things I need to leave behind in order to move on.


One thing I'd like to leave behind is this illogical perception that I'm "invisible". I've shied away from social media for a long time and kept myself hidden because I was afraid of how people perceived me.

Now that I think about it, I think I was afraid of how I perceived myself *jeng jeng jeng*. 

And I wanna get out of that. I want to feel comfortable in front of a camera as how I feel too comfortable being behind it. I want to own that room instead of slithering at the food section, hoping no one would realize that I had one too many cake pops. We all have a voice. And it's time that I use mine.

The other thing that I'd like to leave behind is holding on to hurt. Well, I will admit that going invisible has allowed me to face my demons head on and it helped me let go of sad events that left a scar in me. I take responsibility for my immaturity, for my insecurity and for the unpleasant ways that I handled situations and people in the past.

I think it's time that I forgive myself for I was only 19-21 years old with the maturity of a tadpole, so I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I was vulnerable, desperate to belong and just plain stupid. Now that I have realized my mistakes and acknowledged them, I think it's high time that I move on.


For 2017, I want to be kinder to people and to myself. I want to love people without expecting anything in return. Sounds like something only a divine being can do but hey, I'm gonna try. There are a lot of people who take pride in "not caring about anything or anyone" and I don't want to be that anymore. I don't want to march around saying "screw the world!" when actually, I feel differently inside. So yeah, enough of that.

I'm pretty excited for 2017. I'm excited to turn 25.
And I'm excited (and terrified) for what's in store.

I'm going home for Christmas

I'm pretty sure everyone has that one song (or movie) that feels like it belongs to them. I don't really know how to explain this but...you just feel like this song or this movie was written for you?

okay, never mind. you either get it or you don't. 

Christmas has always been a joyous occasion for me. I remember that one time when my dad brought home a tree and some decorations. My sister and I spent our time decorating the little apartment we stayed in for the first 14 years of our lives. It was a small living room, with second-hand furniture (my parents were poor at that time) and we had a small TV and some Mickey Mouse VCRS. We lived with little but we were taken cared of.

as the years went by and we moved to a bigger house, we kinda stopped decorating the house. being the design geek that i am, i continued decorating every year, sometimes alone, because my family grew disinterested over the years.
later on, my dad grew increasingly theological about everything and the whole 'christmas-is-a-pagan-festival' message creeped into our house (yes, it's true that christmas is a pagan festival and that the true meaning of Christmas is about Jesus's birth) and the atmosphere dimmed as the years went by.

in the last 2 Christmas-es, my house remained bare. decorating the house became a chore and as we grew older, we became busier.
also, i realized that my boyfriend wasn't really a Christmas buff too (i guess the biggest festival in his life would be Chinese New Year). we didn't really celebrate it together, seeing that we were in church 24/7 at that time.
by the time December rolled along this year, I knew that I had no magic left inside me. whatever childhood awe I had during 'the greatest time of the year' had already vanished.

anyway, back to this "song" that I was talking about.

I have a favorite Christmas song. It's called "Going Home For Christmas" by Steven Curtis Chapman.
It's a song about a grandma who loved the Christmas season and loved her family. Though she was ill and dying, she still planned the Christmas feast for the family. Halfway through the song, she dies.
Yeah, not exactly the 'ho ho ho it's a merry holly jolly Christmas' type of song.


In the song, she always reminded her family that while she was dying, she was joyfully waiting to 'go home' for Christmas. And that she will be "face to face with Jesus as we celebrate His birth" and that "this gift will be worth to her more than anything on earth."

*cue all my tears*

I guess this really hit home for me because it's been 2 years since I left Christianity and the church. I blogged about my experience last year and the pain has left me with ugly and bitter feelings towards God and the church. I was angry and occasionally blamed God for what happened, but I never understood why I was in this "woo hoo", crazy religion that seemed like a judgmental prison instead of the unconditional love showed by Jesus Christ. It's like, I've been a Christian all my useless life but I never knew this person of Jesus Christ and what this Gospel was. I felt cheated. In fact, I still do.


My wish this Christmas is that I will be like that grandma in the song.
This grandma (yeah i know she may be fictional) probably had a strong spiritual walk. This grandma probably loved her family with the same love that Jesus loved her. It takes a woman with a big heart to remind her family that though she was dying, she was still going home to a better place. And that going home to Jesus meant the world to her. I hope that this year, I will go home for Christmas and that I will go home to stay.


To all of you who made it this far on my post (sorry this took too long heh :P ), 
Merry Christmas and have a great year ahead!
I hope you will find that gift that will mean to you more than anything on earth.
XOXO

The five Malaysian reactions to "I want to pursue my Masters"

So here's the deal: I recently applied to pursue my Master of Arts in English Literature with hopes of starting in February.

Honestly, the thought of doing my masters never occurred to me until one day, when I was in the midst of deciphering the similarities behind F. Scott Fitzgerald's novels, (who also happens to be my spirit animal woot woot!) I had a mighty epiphany that perhaps I should just do it.

My parents were cool about it. Mom went all "finally, you have seen the light!" in a "i-dont-know-what-is-wrong-with-your-generation" type of way, while my dad went on and on about me publishing my paper in an academic journal and getting into a Ph.D program and finding a niche so that I will be a sought-after academic, bla bla bla. You know, very typical parent-like responses. Or maybe just my parents.

I've received a lot of mixed reactions from people whenever I casually mention about doing my masters. As I recalled all the different responses, I couldn't help but to note how well-meaning, varied and funny some of these responses were.

"Wahh so yeng ahh do masters. Then your work how?"
While I won't say that it's very yeng (the common phrase used by Malaysians regardless of race, which stands for 'very cool' in Cantonese) for one to do their masters, I would think that it's normal for someone who wants to specialize in a related field or to get ahead with their careers.
When I was still in college, my classmates were all ready to apply for Masters in Clinical Psychology while I was the one who was opposed to such an idea and chose the unglamorous life of being a working class millennial.

As for the topic of 'your work how?', I would say that there have been people who have pursued their masters part-time while working full-time, with the exception of people who can do their masters full-time without any means of income. I plan to do it part-time.


"Umm...English Lit is good lah, but I think you need something practical" 
True. Honestly, I also wondered if English Lit was the practical thing to do. I mean, I would have chosen Journalism or Communications or my initial plan of Art Therapy/Social Psychology, but I don't know why I just gravitated to English Lit. Like, there's this unexplained force behind this decision that is telling me that this is the course that I should do.

Okay, if I think about it practically, I would think that English Lit would come in handy if I continue my career as a writer/author but in total honestly, I'm pursuing my masters for the love of English Literature. I don't really see myself in the academic line and I still want to write for magazines or content marketing. What comes out of this would just have to be a surprise (this answer generally freaks the baby boomers, so perhaps I need a better comeback for this one).

"English Lit? That's great! I could never do English Lit!"
Actually, you can. It's just whether you see it as part of your future or if you love it. At the end of the day, it's to each it's own. But really, you CAN do English Lit if you set your mind to it. Just like coding or baking or astrophysics.


"Actually, you don't need to do your masters to be good in something. Just go and travel. Don't waste time."
This answer usually comes from the millennials but then again, they are millennials and most millennials don't know what they're talking about (like you're probably wondering the same about me). Like I said, I'm pursuing my masters for the love of literature and also because it will help me with my writing career. Just like Fitzgerald, I would love to publish a novel and hope that it could be a New York Times's bestselling novel. Hey, there are Malaysians who made it to that list and I don't see why I can't. It will come with a lot of hard work, revisions, knowing the right people, but it'll be worth it.


"That's great, Carissa. I'm happy for you. As long as it is part of God's plan"
I don't know what is in 'God's plan'. I've given up on this whole 'God's plan' thing after years of hearing this buzz phrase being preached in churches, but thanks. I will do my part and work hard. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. As long as I do whatever I can to see it through.


I'm still waiting (and hoping) to receive the offer letter. It should come by this month because the admissions department said so. I've passed the first round of the application and did the writing test that they've sent me and I really, really hope to see something in my inbox soon. I have my fingers crossed. I'm also waiting to hear back from a very very important job interview, so you can probably guess that I'm in pins and needles at this point.

In the mean time...

So, why do you wanna be a writer?

Furrowed eyebrows. The look of confusion. Lips gently parted. A writer? "What do you mean you want to be a writer?"

I was probably fifteen at that time, answering the bothersome question that every adult thrives in asking confused teenagers: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Simple. I wanted to be a writer. Oh you mean like a journalist or those weather people on TV? No, I casually explained. I want to write articles, organize photo shoots, network with everyone-worth-knowing at galas and premieres and interview famous people. Oh, that. Hmm… but it doesn’t pay the bills (like I was supposed to know that at fifteen). Why don’t you be an accountant instead? Before I could wriggle my way out of the awkward, one-way conversation, I was posed with the typical and awful why-don’t-you-be-a-doctor question*

Why can I not be a doctor? Let’s see. Point one: I cannot stand the sight of open-faced intestines swimming in blood. I’ll either scream or hang myself with a stethoscope or do both. Point two: I might accidentally drop my watch into that poor human’s body while conducting an open heart surgery (ok, I borrowed this from one of those ‘90s slapstick Indian films) because I can be the clumsiest twit on earth.

*footnotes: Indians have a weird obsession with being doctors, probably because of the money and the glamour behind the act of saving lives, but mostly the money. In my group of friends, seven out of eleven people have graduated as doctors. I still, for the life of me, cannot understand this epidemic.

Some people admired me for my confidence. Some didn’t. I remember that one time when my friend broke down in high school because she scored 85% (to overachieving types, this is not an achievement) on her English test and told me that without having fantastic grades to score that medical scholarship, her life would be over.

Over? Are you sure, I asked. There’s so many opportunities out there, I said. 

And then she said this: "You have your writing and I know that you can fall back on that. What about me? What’s gonna happen to me? I have nothing."

To be honest, I felt bad for her and brushed away those tears because I understood that struggle. At 15, it seemed like writing was all I had. Imagine flunking a great scholarship, my life would be over too, right? Writing was my life just as how getting this scholarship was important to her.

Then there were the smirks and knowing grins. You mean you’re gonna be like that Gossip Girl lady who writes about parties and underage drinking? You mean you’re gonna write for those mindless women's magazines that tell girls to wait three days before texting a guy but also telling them that sex on the first date is OK?

Once again, no one got it. But that's okay.