because i will do what i want

gone were the days when i used to feel so heavy with anxiety. i won't say that i don't worry at all but i think my anxiety has decreased by 60% in the last six months. it really feels good to know that at this point in my life, the person that i only have to think about when it comes to survival and the future is myself. 

i always thought that i was somewhat okay but apparently, people have recently remarked that i look "happier", "lighter and more "cheerful". so i started to wonder, was i not happy, light and cheerful prior to this recent transition in my life? 

i guess i know the answer. 

it's exciting and scary to know that my life is in my hands. 

i have so many things planned out for myself, adventures that i want to go on, milestones that i want to achieve and just being able to do what i want to do. someone once asked me, "what do you value the most?". i think, my answer is (and always has been) freedom. 

and when i say "freedom", i mean the kind of freedom that comes with consequences. what use is freedom if there are no repercussions, no lessons and no avenues for failure? 

i guess that's why, for the year 2018, i want to do what i want to do. i finally have the freedom that comes with being an adult. i finally have the freedom that comes with being a single woman and the only person that's gonna stop me is me. and i think, if i ever allow myself to stop myself (LOL), that will be the greatest tragedy of all. 

the other kind of freedom that i hope to achieve this year is the freedom to express. for so long, i made myself compartmentalize my emotions which only led to avoidance, which eventually leads to a day when the volcano erupts. and i know, as a psychology major and from experience, that this is not healthy. i know that i should address how i feel. i know that i should allow myself to feel but there are just instances when i feel like it's wrong to feel. but it's not. i have been a weakling all my life; i just gotta keep telling myself, "not today, Zurg!"

i want to go all out. i want to experience the full spectrum of being human, even if it means that there will be the possibility of failure. i don't want to be afraid. i want to be brave, i want to challenge myself. i want to maximize the time and strength that i have as a young adult. 

all my life, i've achieved the goals that i've set for myself. 

maybe this year, i don't want to achieve anything. perhaps all i want to do this year is to learn, to experience and to relish in the joy of just "being".