funny how i said "church" and not "Christ".
honestly, if you would put a gun to my head today and threatened me to renounce Him (ok lah, i stole this reference from one of those "end of the days" movies that churches used to play to scare their congregation), i would rather die than renounce Him. weird right?
"oh but Cessa, you've been living as a heathen. how lah like that?"
four years ago, i told God in the most drama queen way that i could conjure at the moment: that i wanna discover my depravity. "open my eyes and show me how sinful i am!", i screamed into the dark ceiling and continued to travail in so much anger that i never knew i had. this whole idea of human depravity was a foreign concept to me, having grown up in the church all my life and taking on roles like "pastor's kid", "elder's daughter", etc.
but i was determined. enough of singing lies in church. enough of youth groups where all we did was waste time. enough of this holy huddle bullshit. i wanted the real thing. i wanted the thirst that Jim and Elisabeth Elliot had (a.k.a. the kind that could kill you). i wanted to be a well-watered garden. i wanted to be "young, radical, and reformed".
sure, i did an amazing job in showcasing my perfect self because i had an image to maintain but deep down, beneath all that cob webs, was a messed up young adult.
so i embarked on a journey of what "normal" young people do. sure the highs of alcohol were so amazing but the morning after sucked. the euphoria that came with burning the equivalent of four mars bars in one night (heh!) did not compare to the emptiness i felt the morning after. i allowed myself to feel all the negatives that Christians were not supposed to feel. and hell yeah, i felt like a normal human being. i was finally acquainted with brokenness. i loved it but extremely hated the fact that there was more to life than all these temporary highs. the nothingness was real. the void was real.
but i cannot deny that my thirst is still there. my thirst for redemption and what the classic reformers would call "sanctification". till today, i still hold on to what my favorite missionary couple left behind when they passed away:
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose" - Jim Elliot.
"There is nothing worth living for unless it's worth dying for" - Elisabeth Elliot.
i still thirst for this yet my bigger self (the one that's preoccupied with depravity) so desperately wants to live the way i see fit. you know what's the weirdest part? a few years ago, i bought C.S. Lewis's "Surprised by Joy" and i've still not read it till this day. you know why? because i fear that it will change my life. i fear that it will force me to make decisions that will affect the rest of my life. i fear that i will lose control. aha! i guess that's the answer.
i still cannot. until the day comes when the scales from my eyes are removed (and only by His sovereignty and not because i said the sinner's prayer or because i spoke in tongues for 10 hours), i will still live life as i see fit.
may i live till the day i walk into the golden gates, only by grace and grace alone.
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