because running away is good for you (once in a while)

hello from West End!
i'm currently chilling in my sister's room before i begin my journey to Coolongata Airport with an overweight cabin bag that's filled with food (lmao such a malaysian) and secretly hoping that i won't kena tangkap at security.

before embarking on this trip that i've been anticipating since my first trip in feb 2016, i was burnt out, jaded, angry and tired with life. honestly, that was the similar situation i found myself in two years ago when i dropped everything and hopped on the first flight to Australia. and as i expected, taking in the sight and sounds of brisbane city, south bank and sunshine coast was everything i needed to recharge.

this past week, i found myself detoxified physically, mentally, spiritually and socially. it was good to be away from work and from my life in KL. for once, my life back home didn't exist and that felt so good. but as the days passed, i knew that it was time to go home and begin again with the lessons i've learned this past week:


#1: when you treat your body like a temple, it will show on your countenance
everything i ate (ok lah, 95% of it) was healthy, unprocessed, green, fibrous and high-protein. i passed every opportunity for the usual sweet treats that i would normally reach for but instead, i dared myself to try new things like kombucha, golden latte, spelt, buckwheat, coconut-based froyo, raw/paleo wraps and greek salads. i indulged in organic coffee and fresh produce just coz i had the chance and i cannot even begin to talk about how energetic i felt every single day and it was amazing to see my skin clear up bit by bit (well, that was also thanks to my 5-step japanese wakame skincare routine that i haphazardly purchased before this trip). it was amazing to complete my 3km run across alexandra parada at sunshine coast without stopping (at 6.30am) and the energy i felt after was the kind i always craved back home. i did not even plan to be healthy, it just came naturally. it felt so good.


#consume mindfully 
this phrase kept popping up in my head everyday as i ate, listened to music and met new people. i think it's time for me to be more protective of my energy and the things/conversations that i consume on a daily basis. being an ambivert, i always found that i had the ability have the best of both worlds; i was able to be extroverted and outgoing and at the same time, enjoyed silence and recharging alone. yet, i lost sight of that back home as i found myself mindlessly consuming the company of people that drained me and did not allow myself to recharge from my very busy life. this also applied to social media, music, books and everything else i allowed myself to experience. it was good that this whole week allowed me to take a step back and assess everything.


#work is not my saviour
yes, this. exactly this. throughout the whole of last year, when i was tasked to handle two heavy accounts and a few smaller ones, i found myself having to adjust my working style and my personality just to be able to keep up with the million things i had to keep up with these accounts. it was honestly so fucking draining to be someone that's not me. while i learned a lot about myself - that i was agile, flexible, adaptable and capable - i also realized that i felt very very far away from who i was. i had to be organized, on-the-ball, receptive, detailed-oriented, structured which was totally opposite from my natural free spirited and easygoing nature that i used to be. till this day, i feel so bitter and upset thinking that i allowed myself to be someone i was starting to dislike. now i know that i should take it easy, remembering not to take things seriously and just rediscover a better working self that can incorporate my natural personality while making room for these new skills i had to develop in order to keep these heavy accounts from slipping. i am inspired to go back to office and twist perspectives and start saying no to things that are out of scope. i don't live for work and i'm sure as hell not gonna die for it.


#don't lose your soul
so for those of you who've known me longer, i've been quite a rebel with matters regarding the church. i came to a point where i was restless and disillusioned and i left the church, despite my dad being a minister and despite the gossip, the haters and losing friends at one point of my life. well, out of respect to my family, i followed them to church yesterday. while i found myself unable to sing such scary hymns (come on guys, how on earth do you sing lines like "take my will and make it Thine, it shall be no longer mine" knowing fully that you want your own selfish way and living in the Lord's will cannot be done without his sovereign grace?) but i will have to say that the sermon touched my heart. For those of you who need a dose of reality and perspective, you should read the book of Ecclesiastes and as I listened, i was reminded of the vanity of life and how all this will disappear one day. I was reminded that i should invest wisely and remember that everything is a gift from God. i always believed that God has given us everything, yet we own nothing - maybe that's why i stopped holding on to a lot of things.

i'm still very heathen, pagan, whatever you wanna call me but all i know is that i'm restless. i'm done with the externals and the loud music, the jumping up and down, the speaking in tongues for 5 hours, the holy huddle. give me the real thing - i wanna hear sermons that will cause me to critically access my life, i wanna hear real, raw stories, i wanna see authenticity which sadly, i cannot find in the Christian community anymore. OK lah, maybe just the urban KL community. until i have experienced true conversion of the heart that is fully the work of God's sovereign grace, i am not coming back. there, i said it.


walao i typed so much. heh.

honestly, i'm glad to go home. i'm thankful for this time to just be with family and to recharge. i'm thankful for new experiences and i'm thankful to have had this opportunity. i hope that i will never forget how i felt when i was walking across the bridge from King George Square to South Bank, the same thing i did in 2016 and last night. i hope i will never forget who i am and what i stand for.

because when i really evaluate the situation, i realize that i'm doing just fine

someone once told me that i should learn the rules like a pro so that i can break them. 

i can't remember who that someone is but all i know is that this someone plagiarized this concept from Pablo Picasso *insert laughing crying emoji*

at this point in my life, i am overworked, jaded and sucked dry. 

i have invested so much of myself into work and people and other things that should not consumer my energy and time that i've forgotten to water my own garden. 

i used to be so carefree and spontaneous. deep inside me, there was a free-spirited girl but as i learned the ropes of #adulting, i began to keep my fist tight. 

i had to shut that little girl inside me but now, i feel like it's all coming out. 

and you know what? i want her to come out. 

all my life, i've lived on the principles that i've built for myself and i think i have proven that i can do this. i used to think so poorly of myself but as i charter through life, i find that i'm actually doing okay. i don't mean to sound perasan but i think i'm doing a lot better and i should keep at it and stop telling myself that i'm not. in the words of warren-kwek-the-great, i need to stop being a reductionist. 

i've started saying no to things that i can't handle, especially at work.

i'm starting to allow myself to feel things again fully knowing that i will accept the repercussions that will occur when some decisions are made through #feels. 

basically, i'm starting to break the rules that i've set for myself.  

which has been the modus operandi of my life when i think about all the times i broke the very things i've built. lmao i see a pattern here. 

i'm happy to go off the grid when i fly off to Brisbane in 3 days and i think i'm gonna come back a different person (well, if i know myself, i would actually be the same but just a version of myself that has been me all along but was so held back). 

i might disappoint people, but that's fine. people have disappointed me so much but i'm still alive and breathing. i'm sure they will be too.

i might be seen as reckless but that's okay as long as i accept responsibility for the actions that stem from the reckless behavior. 

so actually raaaaaaiight, after i evaluate the whole thing, ekcelliii i think i'm doing just fine. 

i just need to cut myself some slack. 

just wanna be like my karlie kween 

now excuse me as i go back to listening to my preet playlist 

while enjoying a cup of instant seafood ramen. 

because the idea of someone is not the actual someone

some guys just like the idea of me. 

they go on and on about how i have my "own thing going on" and about how "ambitious and dedicated i am to my goals" and how "strong and independent" i am. some of them judge me by how they perceive me in situations (e.g. i'm talkative and friendly in the office and they expect me to be just that even when i'm off duty). 

and you know what's the funny part? 

the very same traits that they like about me are also the traits that they dislike the most. they say things like "why can't you spend sunday night with me? your goals can wait" or things like "you need to slow down and make time for me" or "you're not that busy, you're just making excuses". 

and the worse part? 

that one line that makes me roll my eyes till i can see my brain: 

"you're such a great catch". 

PLS LAH. bullshit. 

and that's exactly how they see me. just another ikan bawal in the sea. another ikan to parade to their friends. another ikan to use as a trophy. another ikan to boost their ego. 

the worse part is when they've had experience with crazy ex-girlfriends and they judge me to be the same because "all girls are crazy." amirite, @TheMeninist? yes, i agree that girls are crazy. when i hear my friends go through relationship drama and notice that a lot of times, it's the girl who acts all crazy and in my head, i feel sorry sometimes that girls can be oversensitive, demanding and emotional. 

am i saying that i don't possess those above mentioned traits? i do. i just know how to manage my emotions, which is something i have learned as a result of being in account management and being a single woman who has to constantly face her feelings every single day because there's no one listening. but why is it that when i'm dating someone, they assume the worst about me just because they've had bad experiences? 

this is exactly why i'd rather be alone. as i grow older, i find myself protecting my energy and time. i have no time to waste on people who choose to see me as an idea of what they like instead of seeing me as me. it is so fucking rare to find someone who sees me for me. 

in fact, i can only count of one hand the amount of people who truly take the time to get to know me and have remained open minded of how they perceive me and these people (you know who you are) are such gems in my life who remind me that i dont need a multitude of people to feel whole. 

it's so rare to find someone who loves the outgoing and friendly side of me and who enjoys the times when i'm silent and contemplative. it's so rare to find someone who truly goes the extra mile to seek to understand my perspective and how i feel before they can throw their assumptions on me. it's so rare to find people who truly communicate with me and to these very, very rare souls, i am so thankful for your presence in my life. it's even rare to find someone who shares the same guilty pleasures as me and does not judge me for my taste just as how i remain non-judgmental to people's preferences. 

ok lah i didn't expect this post to be all emo but i had to say what i had to say. 

and i feel relieved. 

girls, don't fall for pickup lines like "you're different" or "you're such a great catch". if you were a really great catch, then they would let their actions speak for themselves. they would listen to you, seek to understand you and treat you with respect. expect nothing less than respect. you deserve someone who would take the time to get to know you as a whole person and who won't judge you based on how you are in certain situations. at the same time, treat guys with respect. don't do that cold shoulder thing because it just belittles you as a human being. if you're upset, communicate. if you're lost, communicate. don't expect a guy to read your mind. he is not your punching bag just as how you aren't. have some self-respect. 

you can do better. you are better than this.

if he only likes the idea of you and does not take time to know you, leave.