floating on

so apart from a recent existential drama that left me grasping for air, i've been okay.
"just okay?"
yeah, just okay.

my start to the year wasn't exactly spectacular. honestly, i imagined 2017 to be the year I would still be writing for a magazine but obviously, none of that came to fruition. okay, at least not yet. but of course, i cannot be hard on myself because i have been writing for a magazine on a freelance basis and also writing for an online publication. though i went in for some interviews, nothing seems to be happening. it's either i'm 1) not cut out for magazine life (although i was originally from this industry) or 2) maybe there's something else out there for me.

so, instead of being miserable (which i was for a few weeks), i decided that maybe i should try something else. honestly, i dont know what this 'something else' is but i'm sure that i'll discover it. i was always so sure that i was gonna end up in magazines (fashion/lifestyle magazines) and i've worked super hard to put my dreams out there but i think i have come to a point in life where i'm seriously missing out on so many things because i'm so fixated on ONE goal.

people keep reminding me that the publishing industry is dying in malaysia and that my view of magazines and publishing is very influenced by the U.S. (yeah, i admit) but i will just keep trying until there really isn't anything left.

am i wasting my time by trying so hard?
i don't think so. in the process of reaching my goals, i'm learning a lot about being organized, putting myself out there, time management, client servicing and whole other stuff i don't think i would be learning if i was just sitting around and waiting for something to happen.

so here's what i decided to focus on:

1. focus on my schoolwork and really immerse myself into my reading materials. write the outline of my dissertation proposal, dive into Fitzgerald, enjoy campus life.
2. if my current job prospects do not turn out, i will not freak out and die (although that was my initial plan). i will get a part time job and cover my expenses. if i'm lucky, i will save some money for a trip to Cambodia or something.
3. i will still do my best to reach my dreams. at least, i can start on that big project that i've been dreaming about since i was 16.
4. art, coding, baking, hiking, social media certification, music and all the other 1001 things i didn't get to do while i was hustling in the last 2 years.


of course, all these are subject to change should a meteorite fall from the sky but for now, i will just keep calm and do what i need to do.

2016 and it's lessons

one week into the new year and honestly, it's been a good kind of difficult. "difficult" in a sense that my grandpa has been in the hospital for colon cancer surgery, so there's a lot of running around to do. also, i have a dissertation proposal to write (because I have been accepted! *happy dance*) and other documentation to settle. let's not even talk about how i have not begun the job hunting process to fund my life while I'm studying. other than that, i had some fun times with friends and embarking on some of my personal projects, so all's good!


here's a recap of 2016 that i've been meaning to share:


#1: my year of traveling
i was ecstatic that i had been to three countries and three of which i didn't plan for. okay lah, three countries is nothing for some of you, but for a non-traveler person like me who had to wait to get a paycheck in order to travel, this is a big (no, a HUGE) deal for me.

In February, i YOLO-ed and went to Brisbane. in July, I was sent to Seoul for a business project with Amore Pacific and in September, I decided to meet my parents in Jakarta after their mission trip in the outskirts. the one thing that i'm thankful for (okay, two things): that i flew alone and handled the longer flights/customs/security well and also, the habit of saving up my cash. honestly, i wouldn't have been able to do all this had i not been saving up a portion of my income since the day i started working.


#2: making friends from all over the world 
i'm happy that i can now say that i have good friends from parts of the world that i never thought i would have friends from, like maldives, uganda, syria, indonesia and turkey. it's been an interesting journey, getting to know these people who are just geniuses in their fields. i think there's something beautiful that happens when there's an assimilation of different cultures working together, of course there are the good times and the bad times but with these awesome ones, it's been a fun journey of weathering the storm (of one person from the pits) together.


#3: shedding the concept of "feminism"
before the majority of people who decided to be feminists because it was trendy, i was one long before it became cool. i remember reading about it in school during one of those boring Moral classes and thought, "yeah, way to go, women!". the good thing about that was that i had cultivated an independent personality and i learned that empowering women was one way to change the world.

however, as the years went and people like Lena Dunham came along, i started questioning this concept. i didn't get how girls were calling themselves "feminists" but were clingy ass girlfriends who needed their boyfriend every single time and worse, treating them like a slave. i didn't get how girls called themselves "feminists" but had an A+ in throwing shade and being bitchy to other women instead of seeking to understand each other and being compassionate.

i didn't understand why women felt the need to walk around naked or burn their bras. instead of doing all that, why don't these women teach English  to girls who lack education in some parts of the world? why can't these women donate or volunteer with charities that focus on the welfare of abused/underprivileged women and girls? like really, you guys ruined feminism for me. after a while, i decided that no, I am not a feminist but i am a woman who empowers.

as i became serious with my boyfriend, i learned that it is okay to let the men take the lead and make some decisions. i learned that it is okay to have a career while caring for your family, but it is not okay to hate on men, it is not okay to put down women who have chosen different lives for themselves (like motherhood) and hell, it is not okay to elevate yourself as someone better than the rest. if you feel the need to do all that, then i suggest that you go back to junior high.

#4 going back to my asian roots
all my life, i wanted to be american. okay, at least to live in a white country. but now, i'm just like nahhhhhh. two things that opened my eyes to how silly i was to have such a thought: 1) kpop and 2) the U.S. Elections. i was one of those asians teenagers who grew up on a steady diet of american TV shows, american music and american talk shows. it was good. i like the humor, i loved the shows but i always felt that it wasn't something that i could fully relate to. once i had gotten into kpop (you can thank two of my colleagues for that), i began researching more and more about the asian culture, indian culture and realized that the under-representation of indians in the media is just...hardly anything. i began to love the concept of collectivism, the concept of filial piety and slowly grew disinterested to *some* western ideals. i think going back to my roots has made me less individualistic? idk, my mom needs to clarify this.


#5: realizing that i'm ready to spend my whole life with one person
i was grabbing coffee/matcha latte with my best friend one night and we were talking about relationships and such and she mentioned something like, "i think if i was single, i will be able to do more. is that how you feel too?".

To my utter shock and horror, my answer was no. I was even flabbergasted at myself as I uttered that word. In my mind, I was like, "Wow Carissa, you who once felt like you needed to achieve something, you who once felt like you were nothing if you were attached. YOU WHO ONCE THOUGHT THAT MARRIAGE WASN'T FOR YOU" 

but that's the thing: i have always been my own person. i have always been independent. i have achieved my writer's goals. i have traveled. i have accomplished 6/8 of the goals that i had set my mind to and right now, i wanna achieve the next 2/8 with the person who shares the same dreams and goals as me. i'm lucky to have found that one person who shares similar interests, similar personality traits, similar ways of doing things and similar core beliefs. i kept replaying that conversation in the cafe in my head to finally realize that yes, i am ready.
mann, that piece of humble pie was a huge slice for me.


i guess Kylie Jenner put it best when she said "I feel like this year is really about like, the year of just realizing stuff."
can't believe that I'm quoting the baby Kay but jyeahhh.
if there is one GIF to sum up how 2016 has been for me, it would be this:

Forward and onward

You know what's more liberating than gorging on a piece of triple fudge chocolate cheesecake after a week of no-nonsense, clean eating, almost-dying dieting?
Answer: Forgiveness.


It's two more weeks to the New Year and with this free time that I have right now, I thought a lot about the things that used to plague me and I think I realized that it's time for me to take responsibility for the things I did. It's slowly dawning upon me that I'm turning 25 *inhale exhale* next year and that there are some things I need to leave behind in order to move on.


One thing I'd like to leave behind is this illogical perception that I'm "invisible". I've shied away from social media for a long time and kept myself hidden because I was afraid of how people perceived me.

Now that I think about it, I think I was afraid of how I perceived myself *jeng jeng jeng*. 

And I wanna get out of that. I want to feel comfortable in front of a camera as how I feel too comfortable being behind it. I want to own that room instead of slithering at the food section, hoping no one would realize that I had one too many cake pops. We all have a voice. And it's time that I use mine.

The other thing that I'd like to leave behind is holding on to hurt. Well, I will admit that going invisible has allowed me to face my demons head on and it helped me let go of sad events that left a scar in me. I take responsibility for my immaturity, for my insecurity and for the unpleasant ways that I handled situations and people in the past.

I think it's time that I forgive myself for I was only 19-21 years old with the maturity of a tadpole, so I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I was vulnerable, desperate to belong and just plain stupid. Now that I have realized my mistakes and acknowledged them, I think it's high time that I move on.


For 2017, I want to be kinder to people and to myself. I want to love people without expecting anything in return. Sounds like something only a divine being can do but hey, I'm gonna try. There are a lot of people who take pride in "not caring about anything or anyone" and I don't want to be that anymore. I don't want to march around saying "screw the world!" when actually, I feel differently inside. So yeah, enough of that.

I'm pretty excited for 2017. I'm excited to turn 25.
And I'm excited (and terrified) for what's in store.

I'm going home for Christmas

I'm pretty sure everyone has that one song (or movie) that feels like it belongs to them. I don't really know how to explain this but...you just feel like this song or this movie was written for you?

okay, never mind. you either get it or you don't. 

Christmas has always been a joyous occasion for me. I remember that one time when my dad brought home a tree and some decorations. My sister and I spent our time decorating the little apartment we stayed in for the first 14 years of our lives. It was a small living room, with second-hand furniture (my parents were poor at that time) and we had a small TV and some Mickey Mouse VCRS. We lived with little but we were taken cared of.

as the years went by and we moved to a bigger house, we kinda stopped decorating the house. being the design geek that i am, i continued decorating every year, sometimes alone, because my family grew disinterested over the years.
later on, my dad grew increasingly theological about everything and the whole 'christmas-is-a-pagan-festival' message creeped into our house (yes, it's true that christmas is a pagan festival and that the true meaning of Christmas is about Jesus's birth) and the atmosphere dimmed as the years went by.

in the last 2 Christmas-es, my house remained bare. decorating the house became a chore and as we grew older, we became busier.
also, i realized that my boyfriend wasn't really a Christmas buff too (i guess the biggest festival in his life would be Chinese New Year). we didn't really celebrate it together, seeing that we were in church 24/7 at that time.
by the time December rolled along this year, I knew that I had no magic left inside me. whatever childhood awe I had during 'the greatest time of the year' had already vanished.

anyway, back to this "song" that I was talking about.

I have a favorite Christmas song. It's called "Going Home For Christmas" by Steven Curtis Chapman.
It's a song about a grandma who loved the Christmas season and loved her family. Though she was ill and dying, she still planned the Christmas feast for the family. Halfway through the song, she dies.
Yeah, not exactly the 'ho ho ho it's a merry holly jolly Christmas' type of song.


In the song, she always reminded her family that while she was dying, she was joyfully waiting to 'go home' for Christmas. And that she will be "face to face with Jesus as we celebrate His birth" and that "this gift will be worth to her more than anything on earth."

*cue all my tears*

I guess this really hit home for me because it's been 2 years since I left Christianity and the church. I blogged about my experience last year and the pain has left me with ugly and bitter feelings towards God and the church. I was angry and occasionally blamed God for what happened, but I never understood why I was in this "woo hoo", crazy religion that seemed like a judgmental prison instead of the unconditional love showed by Jesus Christ. It's like, I've been a Christian all my useless life but I never knew this person of Jesus Christ and what this Gospel was. I felt cheated. In fact, I still do.


My wish this Christmas is that I will be like that grandma in the song.
This grandma (yeah i know she may be fictional) probably had a strong spiritual walk. This grandma probably loved her family with the same love that Jesus loved her. It takes a woman with a big heart to remind her family that though she was dying, she was still going home to a better place. And that going home to Jesus meant the world to her. I hope that this year, I will go home for Christmas and that I will go home to stay.


To all of you who made it this far on my post (sorry this took too long heh :P ), 
Merry Christmas and have a great year ahead!
I hope you will find that gift that will mean to you more than anything on earth.
XOXO

The five Malaysian reactions to "I want to pursue my Masters"

So here's the deal: I recently applied to pursue my Master of Arts in English Literature with hopes of starting in February.

Honestly, the thought of doing my masters never occurred to me until one day, when I was in the midst of deciphering the similarities behind F. Scott Fitzgerald's novels, (who also happens to be my spirit animal woot woot!) I had a mighty epiphany that perhaps I should just do it.

My parents were cool about it. Mom went all "finally, you have seen the light!" in a "i-dont-know-what-is-wrong-with-your-generation" type of way, while my dad went on and on about me publishing my paper in an academic journal and getting into a Ph.D program and finding a niche so that I will be a sought-after academic, bla bla bla. You know, very typical parent-like responses. Or maybe just my parents.

I've received a lot of mixed reactions from people whenever I casually mention about doing my masters. As I recalled all the different responses, I couldn't help but to note how well-meaning, varied and funny some of these responses were.

"Wahh so yeng ahh do masters. Then your work how?"
While I won't say that it's very yeng (the common phrase used by Malaysians regardless of race, which stands for 'very cool' in Cantonese) for one to do their masters, I would think that it's normal for someone who wants to specialize in a related field or to get ahead with their careers.
When I was still in college, my classmates were all ready to apply for Masters in Clinical Psychology while I was the one who was opposed to such an idea and chose the unglamorous life of being a working class millennial.

As for the topic of 'your work how?', I would say that there have been people who have pursued their masters part-time while working full-time, with the exception of people who can do their masters full-time without any means of income. I plan to do it part-time.


"Umm...English Lit is good lah, but I think you need something practical" 
True. Honestly, I also wondered if English Lit was the practical thing to do. I mean, I would have chosen Journalism or Communications or my initial plan of Art Therapy/Social Psychology, but I don't know why I just gravitated to English Lit. Like, there's this unexplained force behind this decision that is telling me that this is the course that I should do.

Okay, if I think about it practically, I would think that English Lit would come in handy if I continue my career as a writer/author but in total honestly, I'm pursuing my masters for the love of English Literature. I don't really see myself in the academic line and I still want to write for magazines or content marketing. What comes out of this would just have to be a surprise (this answer generally freaks the baby boomers, so perhaps I need a better comeback for this one).

"English Lit? That's great! I could never do English Lit!"
Actually, you can. It's just whether you see it as part of your future or if you love it. At the end of the day, it's to each it's own. But really, you CAN do English Lit if you set your mind to it. Just like coding or baking or astrophysics.


"Actually, you don't need to do your masters to be good in something. Just go and travel. Don't waste time."
This answer usually comes from the millennials but then again, they are millennials and most millennials don't know what they're talking about (like you're probably wondering the same about me). Like I said, I'm pursuing my masters for the love of literature and also because it will help me with my writing career. Just like Fitzgerald, I would love to publish a novel and hope that it could be a New York Times's bestselling novel. Hey, there are Malaysians who made it to that list and I don't see why I can't. It will come with a lot of hard work, revisions, knowing the right people, but it'll be worth it.


"That's great, Carissa. I'm happy for you. As long as it is part of God's plan"
I don't know what is in 'God's plan'. I've given up on this whole 'God's plan' thing after years of hearing this buzz phrase being preached in churches, but thanks. I will do my part and work hard. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. As long as I do whatever I can to see it through.


I'm still waiting (and hoping) to receive the offer letter. It should come by this month because the admissions department said so. I've passed the first round of the application and did the writing test that they've sent me and I really, really hope to see something in my inbox soon. I have my fingers crossed. I'm also waiting to hear back from a very very important job interview, so you can probably guess that I'm in pins and needles at this point.

In the mean time...

So, why do you wanna be a writer?

Furrowed eyebrows. The look of confusion. Lips gently parted. A writer? "What do you mean you want to be a writer?"

I was probably fifteen at that time, answering the bothersome question that every adult thrives in asking confused teenagers: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Simple. I wanted to be a writer. Oh you mean like a journalist or those weather people on TV? No, I casually explained. I want to write articles, organize photo shoots, network with everyone-worth-knowing at galas and premieres and interview famous people. Oh, that. Hmm… but it doesn’t pay the bills (like I was supposed to know that at fifteen). Why don’t you be an accountant instead? Before I could wriggle my way out of the awkward, one-way conversation, I was posed with the typical and awful why-don’t-you-be-a-doctor question*

Why can I not be a doctor? Let’s see. Point one: I cannot stand the sight of open-faced intestines swimming in blood. I’ll either scream or hang myself with a stethoscope or do both. Point two: I might accidentally drop my watch into that poor human’s body while conducting an open heart surgery (ok, I borrowed this from one of those ‘90s slapstick Indian films) because I can be the clumsiest twit on earth.

*footnotes: Indians have a weird obsession with being doctors, probably because of the money and the glamour behind the act of saving lives, but mostly the money. In my group of friends, seven out of eleven people have graduated as doctors. I still, for the life of me, cannot understand this epidemic.

Some people admired me for my confidence. Some didn’t. I remember that one time when my friend broke down in high school because she scored 85% (to overachieving types, this is not an achievement) on her English test and told me that without having fantastic grades to score that medical scholarship, her life would be over.

Over? Are you sure, I asked. There’s so many opportunities out there, I said. 

And then she said this: "You have your writing and I know that you can fall back on that. What about me? What’s gonna happen to me? I have nothing."

To be honest, I felt bad for her and brushed away those tears because I understood that struggle. At 15, it seemed like writing was all I had. Imagine flunking a great scholarship, my life would be over too, right? Writing was my life just as how getting this scholarship was important to her.

Then there were the smirks and knowing grins. You mean you’re gonna be like that Gossip Girl lady who writes about parties and underage drinking? You mean you’re gonna write for those mindless women's magazines that tell girls to wait three days before texting a guy but also telling them that sex on the first date is OK?

Once again, no one got it. But that's okay.

Be yourself. Cliché but true.

"So, M. You wanna start vlogging again, right? But how on earth do you compete with all the other vloggers out there? Like for me, I want to write but there so many writers out there who's probably better or more engaging than me. How on earth do I stand out?".

It was 4.10pm. I was tired, frustrated and bored. 

We were chilling in the swing room in the office. M was already dozing off after a bunch of Trump-Clinton videos and I was at wits' end trying to figure out how to reach this eye care brand to people on the Internet. Honestly, the last place I wanted to be was here. 

M looked up, walked to the table, shrugged and said, "I guess you just have to be yourself."

Oh, like I didn't know that already.

Judging by my wry expression, he quickly added, "Well, these smart vloggers have excellent cameras and other great gears. Also, they have a persona. Like, you've heard of PewDiePie, right? That's a persona."

"A persona? What about Maxim Bady?," I started to laugh, remembering that epic 'girl speaks fluent american' video that suffered the wrath of Maxim Bady's garish opinions.

"Do you actually think Maxim Bady even speaks like that?," M shot a knowing look. "At the end of the day, it's about being yourself, your authentic self. And it's also about having great quality and being persistent."

Be yourself. Righttttt...
And then I wondered, what happened to writing for the love of writing?
Why was I so concerned about being outstanding? The writers I currently follow on Twitter have all been verified, even the ones I dislike are making it big in their relevant fields.

And then there's me. The measly social-media-turned-copywriter telling women why they need a RM2000 anti-ageing cream when I bloody well know that these women are gonna age into a wrinkly prune and die anyway.

On top of discovering my old blog from 2008 (honestly, that has been the highlight of my week), I read through my old posts - not the ones from 2009 coz those sucked, by the way - and remembered how it would take heavy medication to get me to stop writing. So, I made a choice.

I'm gonna write the way I want to write. Whether it's depressing, witty, lame or cheery, I don't really give two hoots anymore. Of course, with the exception of abiding to the style guides of the publications I contribute for. As for this blog, nothing will be barred.

So yes, M. I will take your advice and be myself. That's the only persona the world's gonna get.